Why the hell did he save so many Funko Pops? “Dr. Ian Malcolm with His Shirt Open.” “Homer Simpson in a Muumuu.” He’s got two Green Power Rangers, one with the Dragon Dagger and one without. A lot of these say COMIC–CON EXCLUSIVE, which probably makes them more valuable? Although there seem to be so many Con exclusives that the term might not mean anything.
I came to the storage unit on a typical 93-degree day in October of 2065 to sort through these boxes and decide what to save, donate, or trash. “It’s all the junk that we didn’t have space for, but he couldn’t bear to part with,” Mom said.
Well, let’s see what I can let go of.
Here’s a heavy album full of these round, shiny disks. He labeled them PARTY MIX 3, BUFFY MUSICAL EPISODE, COACHELLA 2015, LIMEWIRE SONGS 4. I can probably toss them. Don’t have anything to play them on anyway. Think I’d need something called a Walkman.
This box is marked DRINKWARE, which contains the complete set of McDonald’s commemorative glasses from Batman Returns. Did he think these were going to be worth something someday, or did they mean something to him? And he’s got a dozen red Pizza Hut cups. Can’t imagine they’re safe to drink out of; that plastic must be radioactive. Or maybe they’re insulated against anything that might be in our water supply?
So many T-shirts. Holes and rips in each one, but he kept them. This one says AUSTIN 3:16. Didn’t realize Dad was religious. TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR? Feels niche, even for him. And look at all these concert T’s from bands he must’ve seen live. The Oneders. Drive Shaft. Mouse Rat. Their music is probably on one of those burned CDs.
We’ve got a childhood poster of the solar system with Pluto as a planet. And a globe with the USSR covering most of Asia. At least that one is still accurate.
What do you even call this folder thing? The label says it’s a Trapper Keeper. And the characters on the front are named Doug, Rocko, and Tommy Pickles? Ohhh! I recognize them. They’re from Nickelodeon shows. I watched a few of those. Most seasons were streaming on ParaWarnerVersal+.
I almost tripped over this big plastic brick. It’s a TI-83 graphing calculator. Either he thought he would need it for his career, or he felt an emotional connection to it. He worked in AI Annotation his whole life. Never needed math. Maybe he just wanted to play Snake?
He’s got boxes and boxes of his favorite books. The strategy guides for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Myst. Goosebumps paperbacks. Oh, cool! He has the complete set of Game of Thrones—all five books.
Here’s a poster board from a science fair project: THE EFFECTS OF MUSIC ON PLANT GROWTH. It does have a blue ribbon taped to it, so it must have been a winner. Nope. That was for participation. Makes sense. If music helped regrow farms, we wouldn’t be eating crickets and iron tablets for every meal.
Great. More discs. DVD box sets for every season of The West Wing, Arrested Development, and Futurama, as well as The Lord of the Rings Extended Editions on DVD, Blu-Ray, and 4K. Mom always mocked him, saying that he was stockpiling physical media for when the internet went out. And then 2033 happened. Stopped watch, I suppose.
This box seems to be all of his college notebooks. Here’s his thesis, sixty-eight pages on “Cognitive Dissonance and Voyeurism in the Filmography of Steven Soderbergh.” Maybe he thought that some day we’d need all of his papers for a museum exhibit or his Presidential Library. Ha. As though those exist anymore.
There are a few shelves of Star Wars LEGO sets, all intact with instructions never to disassemble them. Ever. Such a narcissistic generation.
OH MY GOD. He has boxes of Pokémon cards! They’re still accepted as legal tender in most states. They hold more value than any stablecoin or world currency. A foil Charizard! I could take this to the exchange and buy a month’s worth of ethanol or sorghum credits. Everything else could go in the trash compactor, but these are MINE.
The last box is simply marked MEMORIES. Let me guess: inside are Simpsons comics, Ninja Turtle temporary tattoos, or ticket stubs for Blink One Hundred and Eighty Two.
How about that? It’s full of photos. Some of us on vacation. And the refrigerator magnet I made in first grade. The postcard that I sent while abroad in the Bear Flag Republic. A Father’s Day card with my handprint on it.
And there’s a letter.
“Kiddo, if you’re reading this, it means that I’m gone. I saved everything in this unit because it brought back memories for me. The most important ones, though, are the ones I made with you. I hope that everything in this box sparks memories, and that way, you’ll keep a piece of me with you forever. PS, the Pokémon cards aren’t originals. They’re from a 2016 promotional re-print to tie in with the release of Pokémon Go.”
Thanks, Dad. I’ll throw these in the Trapper Keeper and bring them along. I’ll keep them close as I make my way back through the wasteland. But first, let me grab that Jeff Goldblum Funko. That one’s still pretty cool.
