5 a.m.: I wake up at the crack of dawn and shoot myself up with a cocktail of hormones.
7 a.m.: Now that I’m roided up, I log onto Facebook and cyberbully women by telling them I’m going to beat them at all their sports today.
7:20 a.m.: From my liberal woke closet, I pull out an outfit that is nefarious and confusing, and promotes my radical belief in the existence of more than two genders: jeans, a compression top, and a floral short-sleeve button-up shirt.
8 a.m.: I arrive at work wearing the single most charged clothing accessory ever created: My THEY/THEM pronoun pin. I love shoving my gender agenda in everyone’s face.
8:30 a.m.: In our morning team meeting, I bully my colleagues by politely correcting them on my pronouns.
12:00 p.m.: I schedule my weekly top surgery because I hate women.
12:05 p.m.: I change every women’s bathroom sign to ALL GENDER. I also take all the free tampons and clog the toilets, just because I can.
1:00 p.m.: I start a rumor that my coworker is cisgender because he’s marrying a straight woman. My coworker tried to report me to HR, but he doesn’t know that HR is always on my side. I can be as heterophobic at work as I want.
2:00 p.m.: I brag to my colleagues about how I spend my workday watching Netflix without worrying about getting fired because I was hired through DEI initiatives. There’s no greater joy than taking jobs from hard-working white men.
3:30 p.m.: I leave work early to go to the local middle school where I stand outside and convince impressionable children to join the cult of transgenderism and homosexuality.
4:30 p.m.: Flanked by my army of preteen minions, I go to my local library dressed in drag for story hour. It’s my singular job to corrupt the minds of these children and bring them into the disgusting, sinful world of transgender insanity and gayness.
4:45 p.m.: I have a small nonbinary snack (Annie’s Organic White Cheddar Bunnies).
5:00 p.m.: I go to my adult women’s soccer league because I enjoy undermining women’s spaces with my dangerous gender transgressions. My existence outside the gender binary provides me with hulk-like strength, super speed, and insane bone density that helps me crush every female in my path, virtually destroying the legitimacy and talent involved in women’s sports. We wound up winning 1-0. I assisted on the game’s only goal.
7:00 p.m.: After making my super organic, cage-free, non-GMO, locally sourced dinner, I settle in to watch some TV. It’s tough to choose what to watch when all the media caters to my exact identity and no one else’s.
9:30 p.m.: I get ready for bed in my apartment-turned-gender-neutral bathroom. I will not stop until everything is a bathroom.
10:00 p.m.: I climb into bed, exhausted from a full day of terrorizing straight and cisgender people with my radical anti-gender ideology. I sleep soundly, knowing I can poison more innocent minds tomorrow.
