7:00-8:30 A.M. Wake up whenever I want—no kids!
9 A.M. Open library, feeling refreshed and ready for the day.
10:30 A.M. Send another overdue notice to the impish man who checked out Tom Sawyer months ago and listed last known address as “Heaven.” Men like this are why I’m a single spinster.
12:30 P.M. Head to the eye doctor after lunch. Need new glasses as eyesight continues to deteriorate due to being said single spinster. Told by doctor it could improve if I cut down on reading and start dating adult men who shout “Hee-haw!”
1:30 P.M. Go straight to chiropractor from eye doctor to check on weird gait I picked up. Given similar advice: condition is degenerative and can only be corrected with holy matrimony.
2:15 P.M. Return to library. Intend to ignore medical advice but have strange urge to find man who will lasso me the moon.
2:30 P.M. Catalog some books. Read some books. Take quick midafternoon break and head to The Old Maid Store. Purchase new ugly hat and unflattering trench.
3:30 P.M. Back to work. Locate The Official Old Maid Handbook and re-read section on over-the-top high-pitched scream to be used should a madman yell at you claiming to be your husband.
5:00 P.M. Close library. As if on cue, get yelled at by madman claiming to be my husband.
5:01 P.M. Employ over-the-top high-pitched scream technique. Absolutely nail it.
5:05 P.M. Runs into bar. Get embraced and protected by friends. Grateful for community in this picturesque walkable town I live in, despite police officer who opens fire into crowded street on said madman.
5:10 P.M. JELL-O SHOTS AND KARAOKE.
7:00 P.M. Stumble home to house with functioning bannister post and no kids poorly rehearsing piano.
9:00 P.M. Crawl into bed exhausted from the cultural weight of being the town spinster librarian, but grateful I can read all day and enjoy peace and quiet and generally do whatever the hell I want. It actually is a wonderful life.
