TO: Heads of Executive Departments and Agencies
FROM: Department of Grammar Efficiency (DOGE)
RE: Guidance on grammar
The federal Government is eliminating inefficient grammar. NO ONE understands how to properly use an em-dash or semicolon. Therefore, those types of punctuation are now ELIMINATED to protect hard-working American Citizens from further confusion. YOUR WELCOME.
The American People have registered their distaste for long words. You will no longer have to look up the word “sesquepedalian” in the dictionary. In fact, President Trump now forbids Americans from owning dictionaries.
From now on, the president requires Agency Heads to promptly stop using metaphors or similes when communicating within their agencies, with other agencies, or with the general public. It’s like riding a bicycle; you will get used to it.
THERE IS TO BE ABSOLUTELY NO HAIKU IN EMAILS.
The Oxford comma is now eliminated because OXFORD is ELITE. Also, Oxford is in England, and this is AMERICA. From now on, England will be referred to as Those Idiots Who Let Their Best People Go to Start a New Country. You may use the acronym TIWLTBPGTSANC. Otherwise, the use of acronyms is forbidden.
INTERROBANG!? IT has the word BANG in it, and that sounds VERY POWERFUL. SO they are ALLOWED!?
The U.S. Department of Grammer Effeciency (DOGE) is going to do away with wasteful run-on sentences and in fact we believe that no sentence should be longer than twenty words, so you will have to get used to writing shorter sentences, the sooner the better so as to get with the program and we know you can do it. Strive for one-word sentences when possible. See?
All sentences, paragraphs and memos should better serve the American people by making at least one reference to hot dogs.
Agencies should focus on eliminating as many punctuation marks as possible. Think. Do you really need that comma? Or is it a waste of taxpayer’s dollars? Come to think of it just forget about apostrophes. Just put them any’where. Or dont.
Do Not worry about Which words to Captitalize or put in ALL CAPS. Just go with a vibe. Emphasize WHATEVER NEEDS IT.
Agencies should ensure they do not have affect and effect confused, because that could have a confusing affect. Or effect. You know what, fuck it. It doesn’t matter. Just use them loosey-goosey.
Comma splices. We don’t know what those are, who cares.
Pronouns should be avoided entirely. Instead of writing “He saved America” write “The Great and Wonderful Donald J. Trump saved America.”
Sentence fragments.
If you misplace a modifier you should seek to consolidate areas of your agency organization chart until you find it.
No more colons because colons are absolutely disgusting.
Do not use any adverbs. DO not say Donald J. Trump ran swiftly to save America. Just say Donald J. Trump Saved America!
Exclamation marks are good! One is fine! Two is better!! THREE!!!! WHY NOT!!!!!
The only appropriate dialogue tag from now on is “said.” There will be no “shrieked” “yelled” or “cried” even if that is what people in your department are doing. Here is a proper example. “Donald J. Trump is amazing,” said cool dude Elon Musk.
Any new statutes written from this point on should be written entirely in Comic Sans.
If you never got the hang of not putting two spaces after a period, welcome back. You may now put as many spaces after a period as you like. Putting one space after a period is a symptom of wokeness and DEI hiring practices.
Subjects and verbs should be aligned in their missions to support President Trump at all times.
From Now on, Your not allowed to Criticize anyone eleses Grammer or Misspellings. Its elitist.
“Truth” must always appear in quotation marks.
Ellipses… CAN BE USED… SOMETIMES… to add DRAMA…
All American Stores will now be required to have at LEAST one misplaced apostrophe and some random quotation marks in the name AND/OR signage. FORE EXAMPLE… “Egg’s” are now only $3 THANKS TO TRUMP.
Please USE these Strategies As Soon As Possible… AND DONT FORGET TO TURN OFF SPELL CHECK.
“THANK YOU.”
PS. HOT DOG’S?!
