A Stump Speech by a Mayoral Candidate Who Just Learned the Werewolves Terrorizing the Town Might Endorse Him
Today, I want to talk about transformation. As mayor, I promise I will turn into a beast of policy and transform this town overnight into something we don’t even recognize. I want everyone to wake up the day after I’m sworn in and say, “What the hell happened last night? Gerald, what happened to your face?” Oh yes. Gerald’s face will be bloody—bloody surprised at how much better his life got last night, that is.
As citizens of North Harbor, I know you haven’t had it easy lately. I’ve heard the same worries from voters all across this town. Why is nobody doing anything about our favorite clothes that rip off our bodies at the sight of the moon? Why is nobody picking them up, folding them, and neatly bringing them back to us? Why, just the other day, I saw Stanley’s favorite “Dental Association Convention 2018” T-shirt near where those two hikers went missing, and I thought to myself, “Stanley must want that shirt back.” It is outrageous that no other candidate in this race has had the guts to speak out about this unspeakable town crisis.
Listen, folks, this town has gone on for far too long with just one full moon per month. As mayor, I vow to increase the amount of full moons to two per week. Now, I know some people would say that’s “scientifically impossible.” But I think those people are reading too much science and not enough about the real issues facing the real people of this town. And for those who think I’m saying this just for the werewolves, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m just passionate about the tides.
Yes, our town’s had its fair share of bad luck recently. The old steel mill closed its doors. The only place left in town to buy groceries is Microplastic Mart. The middle school gymnasium is now a Bite Wound Emergency Center. Times have been challenging, sure, but we all need to come together. We must stop complaining about “late-night howling” and “blood-stained sidewalks” and focus on the hairy work of returning our town to its past glory.
Finally, we need to get our town budget under control. We could save tens of thousands of dollars a year if we did one simple thing my opponents are too scared to do: Fire Van Wolfberg, the Werewolf Hunter. All he’s done is tell us that there are “Too many werewolves to count” and “Well, that’s not how I’d put it, but yes, they would be a sizable voting block.” If he’s so good, why do more and more people keep showing up at the Bite Wound Emergency Center? Everyone knows the only way to stop more people from going to the Bite Wound Emergency Center is to close it.
Now, let’s go win this thing. Thank you, and God bless North Harbor. And also, just to cover my bases, let’s ban garlic while we’re at it.
