AI Meeting Summary: Appointing the Next CEO at United Healthcare

Lewis began by conveying appreciation to the upper management team for the way they had all rallied together despite the unpleasantness of recent events and expressed he was more confident than ever in the future of the company. It was, however, time to move on to the next era of UnitedHealthcare, and in the interests of getting back to business, he was pleased to announce that Larry would be taking over as the new CEO of the company.

The announcement was met with scattered applause emojis as Larry thanked everyone and said that while this was certainly a proud day for him, and he was thankful for the honor, he felt Kevin would be the best hire for CEO instead.

Kevin seemed taken aback by this turn of events and said no, no, no, and reiterated that Larry was the right man to be the next CEO of UnitedHealthcare and that Larry had his full support.

Larry sputtered out that Kevin was far more qualified than he was and that it was Kevin’s strategy of increased litigation to fight repayment fees that had dramatically increased Q3 profits, so Kevin definitely deserved to be CEO.

To which Kevin said whooooa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that wasn’t his idea, and Larry said that at the time, he was more than happy to take all the credit. Kevin praised the acquisition of NeverHealth under Larry’s direction, enabling algorithmic care recommendations for sick patients based on the NeverHealth value-based system.

Then Stacy interjected that the algorithm did have a known error rate of 90 percent, at which point inaudible murmuring spread throughout the call until Greg said as chief legal adviser he could attest that internally, yes, they did know the error rate existed, but they had thus far found ways to dismiss each of the lawsuits in court so the whole thing was actually something of a success.

Kevin hollered and whooped his arms in a frenzy and said, yes, let’s hear it for Larry, and tried inciting a thirty-second chanting of Larry’s name, which no one else took part in.

Larry sat very still in his seat until Kevin’s chanting died down. He calmly stated that everything was fine and that his first act as CEO would be stepping down and giving the job to Kevin.

Kevin said no, no, no, and that Larry couldn’t do that, however Lewis expressed a desire to wrap this up, which everyone agreed with, and gave the order to send out the press release announcing Kevin’s promotion.

Kevin began openly weeping and saying dear god, please don’t do this. Lewis attempted to console Kevin and raised the point that CEO was the most prestigious position in the company, and between the pay increase and networking opportunities, Kevin would be set for life.

Larry repeated the phrase “for life” while using his fingers as air quotes, and Greg responded with a laughter emoji. Kevin blubbered to Lewis that if he thought being CEO was so great, then maybe Lewis should be CEO, and Lewis laughed for an unusual amount of time and finally said there was no chance in hell of that happening.

Stacy announced the press release had been sent out. Lewis congratulated Kevin and told him he was now the face of UnitedHealthcare.

Kevin stared in silence with sad emoji, which Lewis took as a cue to conclude the call.

A few of the members offered support for Kevin before logging off, saying things like tough break, kid, and Larry expressed to Kevin that now was probably a good time to make sure Kevin had the best most comprehensive insurance available.