As an American Jew, I Feel Completely Reassured for My Safety Now That Trump Has Targeted the Epicenter of American Antisemitism, Columbia University

“The Trump administration said Friday that it’s pulling $400 million from Columbia University, canceling grants and contracts because of what the government describes as the Ivy League school’s failure to squelch antisemitism on campus.” — AP

What with antisemitism on the rise again—we see it with the re-ascension of Donald Trump, the loosening of moderation on social media, and Netflix’s hiking its basic plan to cost Americans two dollars more a month to watch Seinfeld—you can’t blame American Jews like me for feeling a little uneasy. Until now, that is, as the Trump administration is finally making an example out of that longtime bastion of anti-Jewish fervor, Columbia University.

We all know Columbia is American antisemitism’s ground zero. It couldn’t be bothered to appoint a Jewish member of its board of trustees until 1784, didn’t establish the first-ever endowed chair of Jewish studies at a secular university until 1930, and has only been led by Jewish presidents for a mere thirty-four of the past forty-five years. Despite being a fancy-shmancy Ivy League university, the few famous Columbia Jewish alumni that come immediately to mind are Isaac Asimov, Allen Ginsberg, Jodi Kantor, Tony Kushner, Robert A.M. Stern, Milton Friedman, Alvin Roth, Judith Shapiro, Howard Zinn, Roone Arledge, Bella Abzug, Stephen Jay Gould, Sandy Koufax… oy gevalt, that’s just getting started. But I digress.

Even Columbia’s location screams “No Jews,” situated as it is where few Jews, real or fictional, have ever roamed: on the island of Manhattan.

And I can see why the Trump administration is going after Columbia, rather than, say, Stanford, where swastikas were drawn on campus whiteboards, or the University of Alabama, which recently decided to name a building after a former KKK member, or, for that matter, places like Texas Tech and Baylor, each of which have fewer Jews on campus than walk-on, backup defensive lineman.

But I’m glad the Trump administration is showing it will use the power of the presidency to protect America’s Jews. Sure, I know what you’re thinking, that Trump doesn’t seem all that Jew-friendly, given his blood-and-soil rhetoric, his hiring of white supremacists, and his winking at white nationalist militias like a bubbe at her favorite grandson with his arm elbow-deep in a jar full of chocolate rugelach.

But as Trump himself has said, some of his best friends are Jewish. Like Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, megadonor Miriam Adelson, and advisor Stephen Miller, who are all just as Jewish as you and me. And just like you and me, this spring, they’ll attend a family Passover Seder, when they’ll pledge to care for the widows and orphans and strangers in our midst. Then, the next morning, Lutnick will continue his work to help cut widows’ Social Security payments, Adelson will keep lobbying to eliminate orphans’ Medicaid, and Miller will resume his quest to imprison and/or deport as many strangers as federal agents can get their hands on. But hey, I guess maybe a Jew is a Jew?

Plus, as Americans, we’re all protected by Kash Patel, Trump’s new conspiracy-minded FBI director, who has promised to go after America’s enemies. Of course, once you find the first conspiracy, you’re bound to find the one behind that, then the one behind that one—which inevitably involves The Protocols of the Elders of Zion—after which, let’s face it, it’s Jews all the way down. But surely we’re in good hands there.

Besides, even if Trump had the impulse to do something anti-Jewish, it’s not like the Trump administration would get its act together, riven by factions as it is. On the one side, there’s Elon Musk, who happens to believe the Great Replacement theory and recently in public performed a Nazi salute. And on the other side, Musk’s sworn enemy, Steve Bannon, who happens to believe the Great Replacement theory and recently in public performed a Nazi salute. My fellow members of the tribe, no need to worry; those guys will never agree on anything.

So, cheer up, American Jews. We’re perfectly safe. Even if things go badly for us here, we can always take our passports and go somewhere beyond Trump’s reach. Like Canada. Or someplace so remote, even Trump would never think to look there: Hello, Greenland! I feel safer already.