Several women share bottomless mimosas somewhere in the swamps of Jersey.
MARY 1: I slammed the screen door, and the first thing he said was he hated being alone, and we weren’t that young anymore. I said, “Get off my porch.” Then he said, “You ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’re all right.” I said, “Get out of my driveway.”
MARY 2: Get this, he showed up at the courthouse in a new wedding coat after telling me that I’d have no flowers, no wedding dress. I was like, “WHAT?”
BOBBY JEAN: He kept telling me we had a lot in common, “We like the same music, we like the same bands,” he said. I just looked at him and said, “Bruce, that’s not two things we have in common, it’s only one. Music and bands are the same thing.”
CANDY: He told me there was a sadness hidden in my face. I mean, he said I was pretty, too, but I was like, “Don’t tell me I look sad. You have no idea what my life is like.”
WOMAN 1: He really could not keep a job. First he’s at the lumberyard, then the car wash… Finally, I said, “I gotta go. We had it once, we ain’t got it anymore.” That’s how I speak when I’m exasperated.
WOMAN 2: We were at home in South Philly, and he told me to put my stockings on because the night’s getting cold. I thought we were going on a date, but the next thing I knew, we were on that Coast City bus, and he revealed he was a mob associate. Like, are you serious right now?
WOMAN 3: We had a house in Baltimore. Bruce went out for a ride and never came back. When does a mother get to have a hungry heart? That’s what I’d like to know.
WOMAN 4: That must have been right before I met him in a Kingstown bar. We fell in love, and he said that’s how he knew it had to end. (Shakes head.) I said, “Walk me through your logic step by step. Explain it to me like I’m five.”
WOMAN 5: Speaking of, he showed up at my house, calling me “little girl” and telling me he had a “bad desire.” So cringe. I said, “You know I’m twenty-eight and have a mortgage.” Then he asked if my “daddy” was home. I yelled at him, “Bruce, you’re not an old blues musician—please just call him my husband.” And, yes, unfortunately, my husband was home.
WOMAN 6: I hear you. He called me “little girl” over and over, telling me I was so young and pretty. Blech. I was standing on the corner when he pulled up with his loser friend, Wayne, claiming it was my lucky day, and that they were two big spenders. Turns out, they only had $200. Then Wayne got arrested and handcuffed to the bumper of a state trooper’s Ford. Thanks, but no thanks.
ROSALITA: He was CONSTANTLY telling me to jump a little lighter. I said, “I’m one hundred thirty-five pounds, this is as light as I jump.”
JENNY: Bruce claimed he was “sinkin’ down.” I said, “Okay, look, I know you don’t like your job. Do you want to check LinkedIn?” He said he prayed that the devil takes him “to stand in the fiery furnaces of hell.” Geez, dramatic much? It’s not like I get tremendous satisfaction from being a paralegal.
WOMAN 7: I had a house up in Fairview and a style I was trying to maintain. My therapist recommended that I go no contact.
WOMAN 8: He never told people my name when he talked about me. We met during a drag race. Three years later, Bruce was telling anyone who would listen that I had wrinkles around my eyes. So, of course, I cried myself to sleep at night!
WOMAN 9: Seriously, I don’t think he even remembered my name. He just showed up every Friday night, rambling about how hot I used to be and expecting free drinks. We wound up talking about the old times because there was nothing else to say. It was always awkward.
WENDY: Talk about awkward. First, Bruce said he wanted to be my friend. Then that changed to he wanted to guard my dreams and visions. It’s like, okaaaaaay. Then he had the nerve to call me a tramp. Totally negging me. Next, he yelled at me to strap my hands across his engines. Then he said, “I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul.” Classic lovebomb. But then he claimed he didn’t know when we’d walk in the sun? I said, “‘Someday’ isn’t good enough, Bruce. I need a straight answer about where we’re going.”
(She exhales and sets down her mimosa glass.)
WENDY: Well, ladies, this has been a real treat, but I have to run.
