“Foreign goods may get a little more expensive, but American goods are going to get cheaper; and you’re going to be helping Americans by buying American.”
— US Secretary of Commerce, Howard Lutnick
Americans, it’s time to rejoice. We know that you have been forced to adopt a new lifestyle, one without eggs, cars, or winter coats. But who needs physical warmth when you can bask in the radiant glow of your unwavering patriotism? Your sacrifices today will make your countrymen wealthy tomorrow. Isn’t that the real American dream?
For too long, the greedy foreign businesses of this world have exploited honest American buyers by flooding our markets with functional and affordable goods. They’ve tricked us into thinking that we can have money for things like kitchen appliances, fashionable clothing, and avocados. No, Mexico, we do not want guac on that.
Let us instead return to our glory days—a simpler time when neighbor helped neighbor, now under the benevolent guiding hand of President Donald Trump.
Through the completely voluntary purchasing decisions of individual American buyers, we will single-handedly revive the agricultural and industrial sectors of this country. With some minor government interventions—we’ll call them “fairiffs” (fair tariffs)—we’ll redirect all those purchase orders away from those foreign leeches and into small-town America, transforming the agricultural bases of our national economy.
Of course, there will be a period of transition while small-town America catches up to meet the sudden demand of America-only everything. America-only factories will need to be built. America-only fertilizer will need to be secured. America-only technology will need to be invented. And America-only energy will need to be procured (no solar, that is also imported).
ًWe know that you, the Buyers of America, are jittery. We know that your stock portfolio is tanking. We know you’re calculating how much longer you’ll have to keep working once we cut your Social Security. We know that you’re worried about your mother’s Medicare. We know that every newspaper you read is warning you of a recession.
But you know what? This all-American war against un-American goods is worth a recession or two.
With the precision of Elon’s chainsaw, we are constricting the economy to choke the rotten core of foreign consumption, paving the way for an all-American America. We are reminding you, in social media posts, in our cable news appearances, and in our press conferences, that you want this. Even if you actively do not want this.
No great economic transition is completed without personal cost. There will be shortages and delays. There will be times when you can’t find the majority of the products you rely on because none of them are made in America. But we will endure. We will persevere. There is no progress without brotherhood and unity.
Imagine the looks on the faces of the Founding Fathers. They would be proud, surely, to see us standing up for ourselves by lining up for hours to buy a more expensive, inferior toaster—all in the name of Mother Liberty.
And, eventually, you will come to understand that this entirely voluntary and self-imposed economic sacrifice is, in fact, the highest form of exercising personal freedom. It is the most individualistic and patriotic act of all.
So let us raise our flags, our fists, and our prices. Let us march into this future with pride, knowing that we are not just consumers but participants in a grand and powerful experiment of economic masochism. The sacrifices of today’s American buyers will make the wealth of tomorrow’s American producers.
Because it’s not about what you want; it’s about what we say America needs.
