Cake Scientists Say This Is the Healthiest Way to Eat an Entire Cake Off a Cake Stand, Top Down, in One Sitting (Sponsored by the Remaindered Cake Association)

Take your time.
You have to eat the whole cake, but you don’t have to eat it all in thirty seconds. A sitting can take as long as you need. Pacing yourself will reduce the risk of choking. Do the smart thing and slow down while you eat the entire cake off a cake stand, top down, in one sitting.

Don’t eat anything else the rest of the day.
An entire cake is high in calories, fat, and sugar. You’re going to eat the whole cake off a cake stand, top down, in one sitting, so the best thing you can do for your health is avoid taking in any more of those things in the lead-up to eating the cake. We won’t lie to you; you’ll still exceed your recommended daily allotment of calories, fat, and sugar—an entire cake is big. But this will limit the damage.

Be in good shape.
It’s best to embark on eating an entire cake off a cake stand, top down, in one sitting after many years of a diet high in whole fruits and vegetables, plus lean protein, along with at least thirty minutes of exercise five times per week. That way, your body is more likely to be able to take the impact of the cake.

Make sure what you’re eating is really cake and not something more dangerous.
Look down. Smell what you’re eating in its entirety off a cake stand, top down, in one sitting. Note its texture. Is it actually cake? Don’t eat sponges, rubber washers, razor blades, poison, and so forth. Whatever the shortcomings of the cake may be, experts agree that it’s way better than those other things. Also, make sure the cake is on a cake stand and not, for example, a rabid animal that might attack you.

Livestream your cake-eating and charge admission to offset medical costs.
Veterans of whole-cake-eating-top-down-off-a-cake-stand-in-one-sitting will tell you that, no matter how responsibly you plan to make this the healthiest it can be, stuff happens. Don’t wind up with metaphorical frosting all over your face if, despite your best efforts, you end up requiring medical care. Charge $5 a pop and set the funds aside in case you need a doctor.

Be in the moment and have fun.
You only live once, and this experience of eating an entire cake off a cake stand, top down, in one sitting, will not come around again. Even if you do it again, which many do, each individual entire-cake-eating-in-one-sitting-off-a-cake-stand-from-the-top-down is its own animal. Practice mindfulness and feel all of the sensations. Taste the Boston crème filling on your tongue. Smell the vanilla aroma. Feel the ganache on the tip of your nose. Hear the screams of your friends and neighbors asking what you’re doing, and enjoy the official song of the Remaindered Cake Association, “You Are Doing the Right Thing (Eat the Whole Cake).”