“‘The only thing that makes sense is for Canada to become our cherished Fifty First State,’ Mr. Trump wrote on social media. ‘This would make all Tariffs, and everything else, totally disappear. Canadians taxes will be very substantially reduced, they will be more secure, militarily and otherwise, than ever before, there would no longer be a Northern Border problem.’” — New York Times
Ever since Canadians dined on Dolley Madison’s Macaroni Soup à la Napolitaine and Williamsburg Pound Cake before burning down the White House in 1814, we’ve been worried about retaliation. And while we love our American cousins (jazz, warm winters, and forensic crime procedurals), with each generation, their leaders and inclinations have become increasingly fascist. We’ve tolerated Reaganomics, aerosol cheese, and hockey in Arizona, but the second Trump administration is the last paper straw.
A long-thought-dormant plan has been awakened. And with all the guns smuggled into Canada, we are a well-formed militia.
As a Canadian living in the US, I am part of a complex, covert operation that has been in place since Confederation (when Canada became a country, not to be confused with the Confederacy, the current party occupying all three branches of the American government) to occupy and annex the United States. President Trump’s assertion that Canada will become the fifty-first state and him calling our outgoing prime minister, Justin Trudeau, “Governor Trudeau” has made our people nervous. Rest assured, this is all part of the plan.
Here are short summaries of some components of the 4,211-part plan to infiltrate and annex the US. Imagine a world with ten times more Canadians, all with free health care, backyard rinks, and near-paralyzing politeness.
1.1 Occupy ’Merika. Nearly one million Canadians live in the US, and 400,000 cross the border daily. A million Snowbirds head south to Florida and Arizona every winter. They are impossible to discern from Americans unless they’re asked to spell theater or flavor or say “about” or pay for a doctor’s visit. We are in place to seize control.
27.8 Control valuable resources. There’s a switch in each of the James Bay and Great Whale hydroelectric projects that can turn off all the power in the Northeastern US. Ontario Premier Doug Ford already threatened to turn off the lights in Michigan and New York. Remember the 2003 Blackout? That was a warning. We also have 7 percent of the world’s freshwater, while America currently has about three gallons that Obama won’t even pretend to drink. America may run on Dunkin’, but what’s Dunkin’ going to run on?
99.0 Turn Wayne Gretzky into a heel. After signing the Canada–United States Free Trade Agreement, former PM Brian Mulroney, a conservative and close friend of the Reagans, orchestrated the trading of Gretzky from the Edmonton Oilers to the LA Kings in 1988. The plan was for The Great One to marry an American model, have children, have one of those children date a prominent golfer, appear as a perfect Aryan American family, wait until an authoritarian leader was elected and befriend that leader, then convince Canadians he’s a conservative asshole with fascist leanings. The endgame is unclear, but Agent Wayner is killing it as a feckless MAGAt.
420.1 Boast universal health care. This part of the effort has been less successful than others. The grass is inarguably greener on the north side of the forty-ninth parallel. But rumors of long patient wait times, a lack of physicians, and the elderly dispatched to death on ice floes have convinced Americans that incurring crippling debt for the simplest of health care and dying instead of getting that abscess checked out is a good idea. American propaganda is strong.
666.0 Create the appearance of far-right extremists in the Canadian government. To the untrained eye, Canadian opposition leader Pierre Poilievre is a moron, a thrift-store Trump, an LGBTQIA+-hating, on-the-take mouthpiece for banks, billionaires, and big polluters. He’s actually an embedded prop designed to make Americans believe that Canadians can also be transphobic capitalist Christian extremists in order to lull them into a false sense of comfort.
1,100p Have Canadians control the news. This began with Robert MacNeil in the sixties before the torch was passed to Peter Jennings, who was eliminated by the CIA. John (formerly MuchMusic VJ J.D.) Roberts was also turned by the CIA. Keith Morrison is part of the American Predator Elimination Task Force. Remember the Stud Scud, Arthur Kent? Canadian. How else could the US have swallowed the first Iraq War?
2,112 Occupy cultural zeitgeist. Americans don’t even realize that their culture is dominated by Canucks: Shawn Mendes, The Weeknd, RUSH, Lorne Michaels, Keanu Reeves, every actor named Ryan… all Canadians. Propaganda is being covertly inserted into all forms of media, such as Mike Myers’s “Elbows Up” silent war cry on a recent episode of SNL. We are not responsible for what happened to the once-prominent agent Drake. A minor setback.
2,133k Direct Canada’s most prominent writer to warn of the future. Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale—frequently banned in US schools right next to Roald Dahl, DEI, and the metric system—predicted extreme religious control, the stripping of women’s rights, totalitarian government structures, and trad wives in funny outfits. It was a warning. Instead, Bravo is now producing Serena’s Joy: Suburban Tradwifery, a new reality series that encourages capitulation, bonnet craft, and cruelty.
3,033.8 Distract Americans with the worst Canadians. Embed Jordan Petersen, Ted Cruz, Elon Musk, Nickelback. Have them act like sugared-up Nazi children. Get them on Rogan and espouse crazy shit like “pronouns are the enemy” and “the climate doesn’t exist.” Filibuster using Dr. Seuss. Mass-market trucks that couldn’t handle a Florida winter and make Twitter an intolerable echo chamber for incel tech bros. Tour with Kid Rock. All part of the plan. If we can appear as awful as Americans, they won’t see us coming.
4,193h Embed an official head of state. The Brits are in on it. On a recent visit to the Commonwealth country, King Charles wore several Canadian military honors, nearly tipping his hand. Meghan and Harry’s estrangement from the Royals is part of the plan. They even spent a brief time in Toronto being briefed before deployment to Los Angeles. The infighting thing is a clever ruse.
My role as an adjunct professor of creative writing at more than fifteen Northeast institutions since 2015—one of 3,474 agents in US schools—is to quietly turn a generation of kids who couldn’t point out Ottawa on a map if their TikTok access depended on it into socialists through exercises like “How Many School Shootings Are There Per Year in Other Countries?,” “Insulin Costs How Much?!?,” and my personal favorite, “Celebrity Jeopardy: Canadian Edition,” where the winning student gets an A and the semester off. There’s never been a winner.
We’re coming. Sorry, thank you, and you’re welcome.
