SYNOPSIS
High school is no picnic for anyone, but especially if you’re one of Shakespeare’s most iconic leading men. Hamlet might be the big man on campus, but that doesn’t mean he’s got it all figured out. This drama puts a much-needed spin on a classic by imagining a world where Hamlet is young and hot.
HAMLET
Sexy football player type, but not just a football player, because we need him to be smart and sensitive too. Lacrosse team, maybe? We’ll come back to this.
Required skills: Smoldering glances, ability to look deep without creating forehead wrinkles.
OPHELIA
Hamlet’s friend, who has an unrequited crush on Hamlet. It needs to be realistic that Hamlet wouldn’t want to date her, but legally, we can only cast hot people at CW, so we’re kind of in a bind. Maybe she’ll wear glasses? Also, obviously, we’re putting her on the swim team because of foreshadowing.
Required Skills: Able to look hot but in a way where every straight male viewer will be convinced he’s the first person to realize she’s hot. Think Linda Cardellini in Scooby Doo. Or Linda Cardellini in everything.
HORATIO
Hamlet’s best friend and the comic relief. He’ll have a crush on Ophelia, but it’s imperative she never gives him the time of day. We’ll give him an off-putting hobby that will be repulsive to women, like reading, to solve this. It will also be implied that Horatio has a thing for Hamlet without ever explicitly saying so (but there will be plenty of textual evidence to support it).
Required Skills: Serviceable cafeteria-style cooking. We are on a budget, so we’re cutting the catering company to add this role.
GHOST OF HAMLET’S DAD
Technically not a ghost, but alive in this series since the show is set in the past, where Hamlet is a hunk, but also in modern times, so that he can go to high school. We should probably change this character’s name to ALIVE GHOST OF HAMLET’S DAD to make it less confusing. Looking to cast an older actor who appears to be on the brink of death, preferably a Timothée Chalamet type in their mid-to-late twenties.
Required Skills: Old.
GERTRUDE
Hamlet’s mom. The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees has recently released a statement that if Gertrude is not a total MILF, all the grips are walking off set. This is NONNEGOTIABLE.
Required Skills: Juggling (affairs).
CLAUDIUS
Ghost of Hamlet’s Dad’s best friend. Cool approachable guy, the kind that you could really settle into a tryst with. Claudius is obviously already hooking up with Gertrude, which will make the inevitable betrayal of murdering the Ghost of Hamlet’s Dad and stealing his wife that much hotter.
Required Skills: Shoulders that you can cry on and/or bounce a quarter off.
POLONIUS
Occasional third in Gertrude and Claudius’s affair. In the source material, Polonius is hiding behind Gertrude’s curtains when Hamlet confronts her about being with Claudius, so we think it tracks if we make Polonius a total freak who likes to watch. We’ll also later reveal he is a werewolf for the Season 2 omegaverse storyline, so he’ll be really hairy and wear ears sometimes.
Required Skills: [REDACTED].
LAERTES
Ophelia’s brother. He hates Hamlet, but in an enemies-to-lovers kind of way. He’ll frequently confront Hamlet in very closely blocked scenes where the two guys are screaming at each other, but it also looks like they’re about to kiss. And then one day they do. And then they both kiss Horatio. Hamlet is canonically bi now. Public domain material rules!
Required Skills: Ability to make Shakespeare scholars fight in the streets.
