Every Person in Every Meeting Ever
SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your forty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring person here. Now, I’m going to throw things over to our office manager, Kevin.
KEVIN: Let’s kick things off with this week’s calendar. As you can see, we’re up to our eyeballs with work, but I will ask everyone to stretch their bandwidth and reach goals so unachievable that they’ll strain each of our marriages.
STEPHANIE: I am in HR. I smile too much and have a strange energy about me. Once, when someone brought up roller coaster accidents, I said, “Once you see one, you never really forget it.”
MARK: HELLO. I’M THE GUY IN EVERY MEETING WHO HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS VOICE. YOU CAN SEE ALL OF MY TEETH WHEN I TALK. WHEN I LAUGH, I SLAM MY HANDS ON THE DESK LIKE A GAVEL. IT’S LIKE I’M THE JUDGE OF GIGGLES.
HOLLY: Hey, I am the new office intern. A single conversation with me will make you feel as old as Christ himself. I am a reminder that my generation is on the brink of replacing you. When you mention a skill that took you years to master, I’ll mention that it took me a week. You’ll look at me and see an hourglass. And with each drop of sand, you draw closer to total and complete irrelevance.
ADAM: I am in data and research. I have a Windows laptop and will always find a moment to explain why these computers are superior. I am here to present a slideshow so dull that it legally counts as melatonin.
CHASE: I am the marketing manager, and I only speak—and make love—in business jargon. Per my last email, let’s revisit those deliverables and double-check that we have all our ducks in a row before going to market. Speaking of the market, I wonder if we can get a top-down view of Holly’s new blouse. I’m also sexually inappropriate.
DENISE: Sorry to cut in, but I’m from PR, and I wanted to say that beginning next week, each of you will be forced to complete sexual harassment surveys. Each one will be ninety minutes long and difficult to navigate. There will be so many buttons that do absolutely nothing. Don’t even bother trying to minimize the screen or mute the video. Those buttons have been reprogrammed to fire you.
GRANT: I am from IT. For some reason, I am allowed to dress far more casually than everyone else here. I’ll begin by stressing the importance of updating various apps and the consequences of not doing so. Failure to complete these updates will make my job incredibly difficult. I am not exaggerating when I say I will be up for days fixing these issues. My wife will consider terminating our marriage because I won’t be able to see my family—
KENDALL: My position in the company is nebulous. This intimidates everyone. Despite it only pertaining to one person in this room, I’m going to stay on a specific topic for twenty minutes. Our inside jokes will soar right over everyone’s heads. By the end, you will wonder why this person and I didn’t have an entirely separate meeting. To make matters worse, they are calling in via video call.
MICHAEL (over video call): Hello! Hello? As you can see, I’m (dog barks in background) working from home today. Now, let me be the first to say layoffs aren’t fun—
(Static.)
MARK: HELLO? MICHAEL? CAN YOU HEAR US? I AM SHOUTING TO THE HEAVENS. SEE ALL MY TEETH?
(Screen goes black.)
SEAN: Well, looks like we lost him. I will worsen the mood by saying this is exactly why we should be back in the office five days a week. People will not look me in the eye after this meeting.
BRIAN: I am the office jokester. Here comes something unfunny. People will laugh out of courtesy. This will encourage me and extend my reign as the most insufferable person here.
SEAN: Good one, Brian. Now, if we can circle back to what I said at the top, we can get things moving along… What? It’s been forty-five minutes already? Well, it looks like we’re staying longer, folks.