Executive Order: We Must Stop Everyone from Transitioning, So the President Knows Who to Grope
“An executive order President Donald Trump signed on his first day back in office offers a new federal government definition of the sexes that could have a major impact on transgender people nationwide. The order calls for the federal government to define sex as only male or female and for that to be reflected on official documents such as passports and policies such as federal prison assignments.” — AP
By the authority vested in me as President by whatever shreds of the Constitution I feel like keeping today, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Purpose.
Folks, we have to get a handle on the genders. There’s a lot of trans-ing going on, in multiple directions. They’re trans-ing all over the place. California’s on fire. Eggs are too goddamned expensive, and dogs and cats are making out in the streets. Somewhere, a thirty-four-year-old comedy writer is wearing a compression top and sipping a green tea. It’s anarchy. And it’s hurting the women, which is something that I definitely care about. Women should have at least three rights, I think.
We need women, probably. We also need sex. They’ve taken out all the sex and replaced it with gender, which is a big problem because it makes it very boring. No more.
Section 2. Policy and Definitions.
It is the policy of the United States to recognize two sexes: “groper” and “grope-ee.” These sexes are not changeable and are grounded in fundamental and incontrovertible reality. Maintaining this clear distinction between the sexes is critical to prurient inquiry, “public safety,” my personal morale, and trust in the infallibility of my urges.
a. Men who have rejected their biological realities as “gropers” will heretofore be reclassified as “cucks.” Women not deemed to be “gropable” shall be known as “dogs.”
b. For science purposes, “women” are likewise defined as large reproductive cells encased in sexy hourglass meat globs.
Section 3. Recognizing That Women Are Biologically Distinct from Men.
Within thirty days, the trans-ing back and forth has got to stop, folks.
a. “Women” are “women” because I want to grope them. “Men” are “men” because I do not. If we start crossing those lines, then I have to think about things I don’t want to think about, like the word “fluid” and how innate biological differences shouldn’t need aggressive legislative reinforcement.
b. We especially have to stop this for the kids. It’s just too upsetting and confusing. For me. We need to protect our girls. These young girls, they’re the gropable future. And sometimes the present, if they’re at least solid eights—which shall forthwith be defined as “asking for it.”
c. To clarify (a), “men” are “men,” and “women” are “women,” but “girls,” or “juvenile human females,” are also “women,” when it’s convenient for me.
Section 4. On the Protection and Control of Women and Children.
a. When kids get trans-ed, they’re sexualized inappropriately instead of appropriately, which is to say, when they marry us as soon as they’re legal and can bear our blond offspring.
b. No man shall invade intimate single-sex spaces and activities designed for women, like dressing rooms, unless he owns the pageant and he’s inspecting to make sure there are no men in there, and he’s already “seen it all before.”
c. Nonbinaries are nonsensical and will not be recognized for efficiency. If I have unsupervised access to a fifteen-year-old in an evening gown, I don’t want to waste time trying to figure out what kind of “Dylan” they are.
d. We condemn trans surgeries for minors, which I like to say is a thing. We need to know that Madison’s new B-cups are naturals. To be clear, we’re still in favor of implants. But they have to go on top of naturals. Or else that would be unnatural.
Section 5. On the Protection of the President and His Capacities.
a. We must preserve the sanctity of the American family and my future dating pool, since Melania’s getting a little long in the tooth.
b. But it’s not about age. Not at all. It’s about consent, people. I love consent. I’d kiss consent on the mouth. Trans-ing is a slippery slope. If there’s an incredible-looking girl at a party — even if she was a little up there, like, say thirty-five — I’d rather that girl be in a pine box (many such cases) than touch her without asking and then learn that she once did Pinewood Derby as a Cub Scout. That would be a violation of my consent, very bad.
c. All federal agencies must subordinate their current functions to indulge the President’s need to live out the first fifteen minutes of Wag the Dog. This is what your tax dollars are going to.
d. By eliminating trans-ing, we will eliminate transphobia. Transphobia is a terrible, terrible thing. It’s too complicated. We must return to being a proper country where “misogyny” is “misogyny” and “homophobia” is “homophobia,” so you can keep your sexual assault and your gay panic separate.
Section 6. On Documentation and Language.
a. All citizens must have their correct sex on their identification. When it comes to the transed, you see, we can always tell, so we need extensive documentation that tells us what we already know.
b. The Secretaries of State and Homeland Security will suspend the processing of any passport with a gender change marker. We don’t want the trans here, but I’ll be damned if I let them leave.
b. To enforce the mutably immutable truth of binary sex, I hereby eliminate all use of the prefix “trans.” The White House doesn’t stand for divisive concepts like “transgender,” “translation,” “transcultural,” “transformation,” “transcendence,” or “transparency.” “Transgression” and “transaction” can stay, but only for the President and his cabinet.
You’re all safer now, and you’re welcome. Some things aren’t meant to change. I know I sure won’t.
— THE WHITE HOUSE
