Thanks for sharing your work, Glenn. It definitely engaged my imagination. However, there were a few instances where I found it hard to parse. Here are my notes:
“I wanna savage your spinal remains.”
Unless you’re one of those bone-crushing vultures, this doesn’t really make much sense for a character’s motivation. Consider revising.
“She walked out with empty arms. Machine gun in her hand. She is good, and she is bad. No one understands”
I appreciate that you’re trying to tackle the essential duality of human nature here, along with the existential crisis perpetuated by our inability to ever truly perceive the interior mental states of those around us, but how can her arms be empty if she’s got a machine gun in her hand? I don’t get it.
“We walk the streets at night. We go where eagles dare.”
Strong start here. Solid scene-setting and use of metaphor. But I’ll be honest, this part kind of lost me:
“The omelet of disease. Awaits your noontime meal. Her mouth of germicide. Seducing all your glands.”
What’s your overarching goal in this section? Is this a pointed critique of lunch? There also seems to be some sort of personal grudge at the heart of this piece, the substance of which is not really clear to the reader even after substantial reflection:
“I ain’t no goddamn son of a bitch. You better think about it, baby. I ain’t no goddamn son of a bitch. You better think about it, baby, baby.”
Can you bring us into your emotional world here? Maybe share what it feels like to be a goddamn son of a bitch? Seems like this could be a rich narrative vein to explore.
“I want your skulls. I need your skulls. I want your skulls. I need your skulls. Whoa. Whoa.”
Just wanted to note you are very clear about your character’s motivation here and obviously not afraid to harness the power of repetition to make your point.
Overall, your imagery is quite vivid, and your readings are certainly compelling. Without delving too deeply into underlying psychological motivations, I will mention that, at times, there seems to be an almost oedipal tinge to some of your writing. Just something to consider.
See you next week, Glenn! I look forward to reading what you come up with for the “letter to your future self” assignment!
