Gender Is Determined by God, Biology, and the Highest Governing Body of Some Random Sport

This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random sport.

As the saying goes, when in doubt, turn to the International Association of Amateur Heptathlon Competitors.

Scripture tells us that God made man in his image. Biology tells us that men and women are different. The International Cycling Union tells us that if a person’s natural testosterone is above 2.5 nanomoles per liter, well, there’s no way that’s a woman.

An athlete might look like a woman from a distance. Upon closer inspection, however, that person will test positive for conditions such as “being the best athlete on the field” and “capitalizing on natural ability with years of training.”

We must stay vigilant to ensure these troublemakers don’t slip through the cracks.

Yes, male athletes take a host of supplements and quasi-legal hormones, but that’s just what men do. Doubling a man’s testosterone level through chemical injections is perfectly natural.

We can’t know everything, and that’s okay. For example, I have no idea what Modern Pentathlon is, but I’ll be damned if the International Modern Pentathlon Union turns a blind eye to gender malfeasance.

In times of trouble, we must lean on the Good Book. The First Epistle to Timothy tells us, “For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And then Adam felt embarrassed because Eve could swim farther than he could, so Adam asked the angels if they could, like, check the rule book or run some tests or something.”

Today, we must rely on our own angels, the Court of Arbitration for Sport, and the Supreme Court of Switzerland. If the courts say a woman must endure medical intervention in order to pole vault, that’s biology at work.

Facts are facts. There is nothing wrong with ensuring fair competition, and there is nothing weird about a guy having strong opinions on the biological integrity of women’s track and field. “Biological integrity” is a totally normal phrase that not-insane people say all the time.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. It’s time to scrutinize the roster of my local 1,600-meter relay team.