Great Philosophers on Santa’s Naughty and Nice Lists

(With thanks to Dr. Henry Gorman)

Aristotle: Be good for goodness’ sake.

Plato: To be “good” or “nice” is to cultivate one’s knowledge of Santa and to choose actions that make him happy. For these purposes, “Santa” can be defined as a bearded featherless biped in a red suit.

Diogenes: Pluck the fattest chicken you can find, paint it red, glue cotton balls to its chin, and say, “Behold: Santa!”

Epicurus: As long as you savor it, you can eat exactly one cookie off the plate you left out for Santa.

Marcus Aurelius: Worrying about whether Santa perceives you as “Naughty” or “Nice” is an impediment to your flourishing. Cultivate a state of indifference as to whether you receive presents or coal.

Thomas Aquinas: Sometimes, Santa brings you items with the accidents of presents, but the essence of coal (e.g., wool socks).

Niccolo Machiavelli: “Naughty” and “Nice” are not absolute categories. They are determined by the selfish interests of your parents, and you must act accordingly.

Martin Luther: Whether or not you receive LEGOs or coal depends on your faith in Santa alone, regardless of whether you brush your teeth or refrain from playing ball in the house.

John Calvin: The Naughty and Nice lists were written long, long before you were born. The Elf watches you from the Shelf with icy foreknowledge of what Santa will bring you, your fate having already been decreed.

Blaise Pascal: Santa may or may not exist, but just in case he does, you should go clean your room.

George Berkeley: You, in fact, do not exist unless you are perceived in the mind of Santa.

Thomas Hobbes: In the absence of the Elf on the Shelf, children are by nature naughty, brutish, and short.

John Locke: If you have been very Nice and your parents do not buy you a Nintendo Switch, you have license to replace them with parents who will.

Jeremy Bentham: It doesn’t matter if you meant to be Naughty when you mopped up your grape juice spill with Mom’s cashmere sweater. The consequences were very Naughty.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Whoever battles Naughtiness should see to it that in the process he does not become Naughty himself.

Carl Schmitt: Santa’s sovereignty is determined by his ability to declare the state of exception, giving coal to the Nice and Furbys to the Naughty according to his whims.

Hannah Arendt: The glazed, placid eyes of the Elf on the Shelf reflect the banality of your Naughtiness. Carl Schmitt didn’t think he was Naughty either.

Michel Foucault: Even when the Elf is not on the Shelf, you are never free of it. You carry the Elf within you, monitoring your own conduct for Naughtiness. You hold yourself prisoner within a self-surveilled snow globe of Santa’s making.

Louis Althusser: Once you are perceived by the Elf, you are interpellated as either “Naughty” or “Nice.” There is no neutral form of existence within Santa’s ideology.

Judith Butler: What we think of as “Naughty” and “Nice” behaviors are copies of copies for which there is no original. “Niceness” is a panicked imitation of phantasmic ideal, which performative Naughtiness exposes as drag.

Eve Sedgwick: “Naughtiness” and “Niceness” are orthogonal to one another: rather than being opposite poles of the same spectrum, they are independently variable. Some actions are simply more “Naughty-Nice” than others!

Peter Singer: Unless you are willing to give away all your presents to an unfortunate child on the other side of the globe, then you are Naughty.

Mikhail Bakunin: To overthrow the tyranny of Santa and your parents, you must embrace the propaganda of the deed! Perform acts of direct Naughtiness!

Karl Marx: Santa is the opiate of the masses. All presents should be held in common.

@dril: santa bowed his head solemnly and spoke: “theres actually zero difference between naughty and nice. you imbecile. you fucking moron”