The White House proudly announces that the first-ever National Women’s Day will be held on March 8. Formerly—and badly—known as “International Women’s Day,” President Trump has patriotically renamed this holiday to honor the best women on the planet: the women of the United States of America.
To mark this inaugural holiday, the president is proud to announce his five-part Agenda for American Women:
1. PASSING THE ERA
For too long, American women have lived as second-class citizens, their rights assumed but not guaranteed. That changes today with the introduction of the Equal Rifle Amendment. This constitutional amendment, proposed by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene at an NRA-sponsored chin-up competition, will guarantee that women cannot be discriminated against based on sex when buying and selling rifles. President Trump firmly believes that no matter how bad they are at sex, women should be entitled to carry guns, because it makes them hotter.
2. PAID LEAVE
America is one of only five industrialized nations that do not guarantee paid leave. This places a disproportionate burden on women, who, as Vice President Vance has so graciously reminded us, exist only to breed children. That’s why President Trump is giving women paid leave from voting. Starting today, the White House will pay women $5,000 in Trump meme coin to not vote. By removing the burden of democracy for American women, they will be free to focus on what they love: cooking, cleaning, and keeping things tight.
3. EXPANDING ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE
According to the National Institutes of Health, women report significantly higher delays accessing the health care they need. President Trump has a plan to change that. By firing lady doctors (not as smart as men) and closing satanic abortion clinics, America will save millions of dollars that can be reinvested in expanding access to breast augmentation surgery for women nationwide. Because, no matter where they’re born or how much money they make, real women should be able to get the gender-affirming cups they deserve (Cs and above).
4. KEEPING WOMEN SAFE
Nearly one in four American women experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetimes. That’s why the Trump administration is reassigning terminated air traffic controllers to monitor women’s bathrooms for trans people. Select women (i.e., rich and white) will be eligible to apply for Digital IDs to skip the security line. To apply, simply email a picture of your cooter to DonJr@altavista.com.
Keeping women safe from harm also means reducing fake sexual assault allegations, so authorities can focus on the real victims. That’s why, in partnership with Meta, President Trump is rolling out the She’s Not My Type app, where men can mark which women aren’t their type to shield themselves from false accusations and bring justice to the real criminals: immigrants.
5. PROMOTING FEMALE ENTREPRENEURS
Despite Crooked Joe’s Marxist DEI policies, only 10 percent of American CEOs are women. That makes corporate retreats lame for straight, male CEOs. So today, President Trump is launching the Lady American Business Incubator Association (LABIA), a mentorship program for budding female entrepreneurs. Chaired by Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mike Lindell, LABIA will offer technical support, startup funds, and intimate one-on-one coaching sessions for attractive female business leaders who are DTF at conferences. Congratulations to LABIA’s first grantee, MAGA Thongs, gold-plated G-strings with diamond-encrusted MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN written on the inside crotch. Use code TRUMPLUVSWOMEN for 5 percent off. Remember, life’s not a sprint; it’s a MAGA Thong.
Please join us for the launch of President Trump’s Agenda for American Women with a National Women’s Day celebration at the Kennedy Center, featuring girl-on-girl mud wrestling refereed by Hulk Hogan, an apron-sewing tutorial taught by @tradwivesfortrump, and a pole dancing competition judged by the Tate brothers.
MAY GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN.
