Here at Time Magazine, We’ve Decided This Is Another One of Those Years We Pick a Person Who Fucking Sucks
Every year, we pick someone to be our Person of the Year, and we put their face on the cover of our magazine. It’s, like, the big thing you know about us. And look, some years we pick incredible people. Folks who have lived their lives for the good of humanity: whistleblowers, silence breakers, Ebola fighters, and brave journalists. This is not one of those years. This year, we’ve decided to pick a person who absolutely fucking sucks.
The last time we went with an asshole was back in 2021. (And that guy’s only gotten worse.) Then, all the way back in 2022, we took a big long break from assholes. We did the “Spirit of Ukraine,” remember? You’re welcome for that. War solved. Case closed. In 2023, we chose Taylor Swift instead of, um, unions or something boring like that. And now, three years later, we feel like we’ve waited long enough. It’s time for another total fucking prick. Again.
You might ask, “Why give Person of the Year to someone who fucking sucks? Why reward them?”
And we’d reply with a reminder: “Person of the Year isn’t about who’s the best—it’s about who’s done the most to influence the events of the year, for better or for worse. So it’s not necessarily a reward, or an award, or an honor. It’s about impact, for better or worse.”
“It’s clearly worse,” you might say, “When it’s a guy like this, you should call it Worst Person of the Year.” Or make it clear with the cover. Making someone Person of the Year will literally always sound like the person won an award for being awesome.”
And we’d say something like, “Well, now, that’s interesting. You see, the word ‘awesome’ doesn’t mean good or bad either—in fact, it means to inspire great admiration, apprehension, or fear.”
“Oh, shut up,” you might say. “Shut the fuck up, shut uuuuuup. He’s already celebrating it. His people see it as an endorsement. You barely interrogated any of his claims during your interview, including his demonstrably false and continued lie that there’s a migrant crime wave. Meanwhile, the truth is that immigrants are far less likely to commit crimes than people born in the United States. Millions of lives will be upended and destroyed because of a racist lie in a sea of all his other lies on which he continues to go unchallenged. You went to his gilded penthouse, which allows him to look down on the world like a cartoon villain. You took pretty flattering pictures of him, and you said that there’s an argument about whether his influence was for better or for worse. There’s no argument—it’s worse! But because you named him Person of the Year, he rang the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange and referred to the title as a ‘tremendous honor’ with the cover on a giant screen behind him.”
And we’d say, “Right. Well. It seems that you’re upset.”
And you might fire back, “No shit.”
To which we’d offer, “But we clearly agree on something.”
And you might ask, “What’s that?”
And we’d declare, “The fact that we picked a guy who totally fucking sucks.”
So you might sigh and, full of disappointment, tell us: “Saying it here, to me… that doesn’t matter.”
And we’d ask, “What matters?”
And you might shake your head, like you know we’ll never get it. “Saying it to everyone else.”
And we’d have to remind you that we, like so much of the media landscape, are now owned by a billionaire who thinks it was, in fact, for better and not for worse. Anyway, here’s a sneak peek: Next year’s Person of the Year will be one of those funny ones, like “You.” Remember when we did that? That was fun. Or maybe it’ll be “Us,” you know, if we’re all still around.
