Here’s the Pitch

It’s a platform, right? A platform you stand on. Not too big, not too small. Platform-sized. You get the picture. The platform is flat. I guess that goes without saying. Who ever heard of a slanted platform? A slanted platform is a ramp. A ramp is not what I’m pitching.

Wait! The platform has walls! Four walls, to be exact. Also, a roof. Well, more of a ceiling. A roof is a ceiling from the outside. But this platform is inside. Inside, with four walls and a ceiling. An enclosed platform, is the basic gist. A fully enclosed platform.

Also, remember when I said there were four walls? I was kind of stretching the truth, because—wait for it—one of those walls is actually a door. Not a revolving door, mind you, or a screen door. A screen door would make no sense in this situation. It’s also not any kind of door with hinges or a knob. “A door without a knob?” you’re asking yourself. “This guy is nuttier than a cashew farm!” Just bear with me. The door on this platform is what you might call a sliding door. A sliding door made of two metal slabs that come together and open up on their own.

Well, not on their own, per se. The door opens up when you push a button. Yes, buttons are a big part of this whole thing. Maybe I should’ve mentioned that earlier. I’m still working out the kinks of this pitch. Anyway. What you do is you push a button, and that button corresponds to whether you want the platform to take you up or down!

That’s right! You didn’t think this platform with four walls and a ceiling where one of the walls is actually a sliding door was meant to be stood on for no reason, did you? That would be silly. But this pitch is not silly. It’s serious. And so am I. Which is why you know I’m not joking when I say this platform can take you up or down to any floor within a building you want.

Vertical travel sans stairs? “He must be dreaming!” you’re thinking, and you’re right. This is my dream. A dream of being able to walk onto an indoor, enclosed platform with sliding doors and buttons, which takes you up or down depending on where you want to go, and to pitch that idea to you in a concise, straightforward manner.

Just think: once this platform takes off, staircases everywhere will go the way of the dodo (that’s an extinct bird). “Care to take the stairs?” will be dismissed as a laughably outmoded expression, along with howlers like “Let’s do math on the abacus” and “Neptune has not yet been discovered.”

I think this pitch is going very well. But before it ends, I’d like to answer a few questions that usually come up. First, the platform can’t take occupants to floors in different buildings. I’m sorry, but the science just isn’t there. Second, it’s not required for platform riders to stand in complete silence, but most will prefer it. (Conversation, if desired, should be limited to the day’s weather or, for those seeking adventure, predictions for what the weather may be like in the coming days.) And third, yes, I will leave you alone now.

This concludes my enclosed, indoor platform with four walls and a ceiling and a sliding door and buttons that allow you to take the platform up or down pitch.