Here’s Why a Second Death Star Won’t Be That Bad

“Mr. Trump’s first term was better than expected… the authoritarian rule that Democrats and the press predicted never appeared. Mr. Trump was too undisciplined, and his attention span too short, to stay on one message much less stage a coup. America’s checks and balances held… We don’t buy the fascism fears, and we doubt Democrats really do either.” — Wall Street Journal Editorial Board, 10/31/24

Well, it looks as if the Empire has struck back, destroying the rebel base on Hoth and regaining dominance of the galaxy just a few years after the Death Star was destroyed. With many anxious about Palpatine’s resurgence, I, a columnist for the Trade Federation Gazette, am here to tell you that a second Death Star won’t be as bad as some are making it out to be.

It might seem completely delusional to be optimistic about the Empire retaking control of the galaxy, given that Palpatine’s mind has become so ravaged by the power of the Sith that he spends most of his day stumbling around screaming, “They’re eating the Ewoks!” and pretending to fellate Darth Vader’s lightsaber. But as far as we’re concerned, having a madman so consumed by revenge that it has literally scrambled his brain can only be a good thing. It’s fine to have a decaying lunatic in charge of planet-destroying weapons as long as he wields them willy-nilly rather than with a disciplined agenda.

I understand why people are worried, considering Palpatine has vowed retribution against Luke Skywalker, called the rebel alliance “the enemy within,” and vowed to banish millions of galactic migrants to the outer rim. But I believe that, deep down, below his contorted face, badly disfigured by the corrupting dark force surging through his veins, all Palpatine really wants to do is improve the economy. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he pardoned Luke Skywalker and put this entire war behind him. Just because he’s never given the slightest indication that those are his true intentions doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

The rebel alliance may be shocked at this sudden reversal of fortune, but the truth of the matter is that the Empire has always been popular. Ever since the Death Star was destroyed, credits haven’t stretched as far as they used to, and the average Jawa trader and moisture farmer is still living paycheck to paycheck. A second Death Star won’t fix that, just like blowing up Alderaan didn’t fix any of the galaxy’s economic problems. Even so, many people want to return to a time when galactic governments used cutting-edge super weapons to brutally suppress dissidents. I guess some folks don’t care about millions of voices crying out in terror and suddenly being silenced as long as the interstellar transports run on time. And sure, the complete destruction of Alderaan wasn’t great, but can you really blame people for being a little nostalgic for the first Death Star? Some folks don’t care about billions of souls crying out in unison as long as the interstellar transports run on time. That doesn’t mean they’re inherently pro–dark side. That’s just pragmatism.

Some critics will argue that much of the Empire’s popularity stems from the fact that, for years, we’ve given Palpatine virtually nonstop air time across galactic communication channels, which he’s used to brainwash millions of beings using Jedi mind control. Also, that the galactic media has treated the battle between the light and dark sides of the force like an entertaining spectacle rather than an existential battle for the fate of the galaxy. But we stand firmly by our belief that it’s more important for the press to maintain a hollow facade of impartiality than to risk seeming too biased against planet annihilation.

As for the allegation that we at the Trade Federation Gazette chose not to endorse the Rebel Alliance out of fear of retaliation from the Empire, that could not be further from the truth. Despite his repeated threats to abolish the galactic media, I never feared for my job, and I, for one, welcome our new galactic overlords.

So, relax. This resurgence of the Empire will likely be a temporary blip in the course of the galaxy, much like the last time the Empire was in control.

Unless, of course, you’re on one of the planets that gets blown to pieces.