How Mrs. Claus Is Going to Survive till December 25
Like many women around the world and across industries, Mrs. Claus has adopted a simple mantra to get through the waning days of a challenging year: Survive till 25. (December 25, that is.)
Here are a few of her favorite activities that put the “elf” in self-care—and just might help anyone get through this holiday season.
Drafting an Out-of-Workshop (OOW) auto-reply.
“Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the workshop and screaming into the abyssmas. If you need assistance, please contact someone else.”
Eating an entire food-themed Advent calendar in one sitting.
It’s a matter of safety. Gotta make sure there’s not a pear rotting behind door #1. Or #2. Or #3…
Singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” karaoke alone in her pajamas.
And really leaning into “FIVE GOLDEN RINGS” when Santa is in earshot.
Buying up all the cheesy Christmas decorations in the HomeGoods–T.J. Maxx–Marshalls multiverse.
In times like these, one can never have enough plastic snowmen with slightly haunted faces.
Bingeing Love Is Blind: North Pole.
Even though the producers keep casting people who actually live in Upper Greenland.
Snapping pictures while playing games with the elves.
But wait… is that eggnog in the background? What kind of example is she setting?
Taking a mental health break with an emotional support polar bear.
While she can still get insurance coverage from the outgoing North Pole Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services.
Doordashing with Dasher.
You think this woman is about to cook a whole ham dinner? After the year she’s had? Be serious.
Taking Arctic Zumba classes with Dancer.
Talk about a one-horse open slay.
Rediscovering 2016 holiday makeup with Prancer.
Because nothing says Christmas spirit more than a glittery green cut crease.
Getting her tarot read with Comet.
And choosing to believe the Death card applies exclusively to her enemies.
Browsing OkCupid with Cupid.
Santa still won’t say who he voted for.
Blasting “All I Want for Christmas Is You” with Donner.
In the Claus House, this song goes triple platinum every year.
Getting blitzed with Blitzen.
Someone’s gotta eat all those gingerbreadibles from Santa’s Dispensary.
Talking shit with Rudolph.
He just gets it.
Finally taking off her 1,680-year-old girdle.
Free the jingle bells!
Venting with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny over FaceTime.
“Did y’all see they’re putting tariffs on tinsel, wreaths, and mistletoe?”
Blocking the Grinch on X-mas (formerly Twitter-mas).
He always has something to say, and he’s always wrong.
Refusing to respond to Ebenezer Scrooge’s texts.
“You there, boy! What day is it?” Enough. How about you take all that money you don’t wanna give Tiny Tim and buy a damn calendar?
Lying on the floor of Santa’s Workshop and staring at the ceiling.
Because if you can’t break through the glass ceiling, you might as well stare at it and pretend. The gingerbreadibles help.
Shoring up public-private partnerships to support the Polar Express.
They’ve got Tom Hanks playing every role after severe cuts to federal funding.
Double-checking that the grandma who got run over by a reindeer can still access her government-subsidized medication.
Hopefully, she already filed an OSHA complaint too.
Finally taking it outside with her problematic Uncle Claus.
He’s old enough to know better. And he’s old enough to catch these hands.