I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want

I was about to grab a handful of almonds as a snack when you told me to proceed with caution, because the serving size is ten almonds. But I won’t let this impact me. I’ll eat as many almonds as I want, up to ten maximum.

It wouldn’t be mentally healthy to obsess over the idea that I am eating too many almonds, at least if I’m eating a helping that’s within reason, like ten or fewer. The fat in almonds is good fat. It’s not like I’m having greasy chips. And, after all, I’m hungry. So the only limit to my almond consumption is ten.

Everything in moderation, they say. Screw that. The only thing I’ll moderate is listening to you about how many almonds I can have. I listen to no one but me. I’m listening closely, and I’m hearing me say ten is an appropriate number.

“Be careful,” you said. That must mean too many almonds would be bad news. But, honestly, my attitude is “YOLO.” You’re Opulently Licensed to have One-to-ten-almonds. It’s risky, but the bigger risk is letting your life go by without knowing the indulgence of up to ten almonds and no more than that unless you want to go further, which I do not.

Getting too into counting every almond is asking for trouble. As long as I’m pretty certain it’s ten or fewer, I’m not going to fixate on the quantity. This seems like maybe ten-and-a-half almonds in my palm right now, so I’ll toss two back into the bag to make sure.

As I grabbed those almonds, you followed up and told me how much water it takes to grow an almond. That’s another reason, you said, not to eat too many. “You’ve got to budget your almonds, or else you’re causing a drought in California,” you insisted. Sorry, that’s not my problem. My life is an all-the-almonds-you-can-eat buffet—if “you” is me, and “all-you-can-eat” is, let’s say, seven, leaving room for three more if you need some later. Approximately.

What’s the danger of having too many almonds? Weight gain? Too much vitamin E? I’ve got a wealth of information to google while I snack on almonds to my heart’s content—ten of ’em. Well, six.

I can’t believe I’m done with all those almonds. I have to admit I’m still a little hungry.

Also, I just looked it up, and the Harvard Medical School website says the serving size is twenty-three almonds. I haven’t eaten enough almonds; that can’t be good.