I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6

Thank you for your email. This is an automated response to let you know that I will be away from my desk on Wednesday, November 6.

As you may be aware, the presidential election in the United States could be decided by the evening of November 5, and I will be up all night either panicking or celebrating, depending on which way it goes.

Or the election will not be decided by the evening of November 5, and I will be up all night panicking.

If the election is decided by the morning of November 6, I will not be at my desk, because I will be curled up on the floor weeping. I am not sure whether my tears will be tears of joy or tears of terror, but they are almost guaranteed to flow, and therefore, I will not be at my desk. Maybe I will be under my desk, but I definitely won’t be at it.

If the election is not decided by the morning of November 6, I will still not be at my desk due to the aforementioned panic. Maybe I will still be in bed. Maybe I will be merry-go-rounding through the drive-thru of my local Taco Bell, trying to drown my angst in a cascade of nachos. Maybe I will be at the local dog park, trying to become one with the grass as the puppies frolic around me. Who knows? Not me. But what I do know is that I will not be at my desk.

Basically, you can assume that until we have results, I will not be at my desk, nor should you want me to be. I assure you that this is for the best, since my being at my desk will not make your day better, but it could easily make it worse. My anxiety will almost certainly leak out, and it could infect you too. Then neither of us will be at our desks.

At this time, I am unable to give a concrete estimate for when I shall return to my desk. In one scenario, I will collapse in a puddle of relieved exhaustion for one day but will return to my desk on November 7.

In another, I may never return to my desk. To make it clear, I do not prefer this scenario, but one candidate has made it clear that he intends to seek retribution against his critics. While I’m not sure just how high on the list of critics I am, I have definitely shared some unflattering memes about him on social media over the years and don’t want to chance it. I’ve never really looked into how to change my identity and flee the country before, and I imagine it takes some time and a substantial amount of effort. And I need to at least prepare for the possibility that I will have to do this at some point. Therefore, I will not be at my desk.

I may also need to look into robbing a bank since this job doesn’t pay change-my-identity-and-flee-the-country wages, which will take even more time and effort. So I will not be at my desk.

Other things that could eat up the time I would otherwise spend at my desk: figuring out how to homeschool my kids in preparation for the Department of Education being eliminated; stocking up on supplies for every natural disaster I can think of, and outfitting some sort of Batmobile-like all-weather vehicle / storm shelter (using money that I do not have from the aforementioned bank robbery that I have yet to plan) since I can’t imagine that severe weather is going to get better in this scenario, but we also won’t get weather warnings anymore since NOAA is going away too; learning self-defense in case we find ourselves living in The Purge; and maybe cramming in some lessons on Duolingo, since I’m guessing that if I do have to flee the country, speaking more than one language may be helpful? Unfortunately, I remember very little of the two years of French I took in middle school.

Oh, I should probably also start downloading and hiding all the media I love before the book bonfires start. I probably should finish the most recent season of Heartstopper while I’m at it before it becomes illegal. Come to think of it, I may watch that at my desk, but we both know that doesn’t count as actually being at my desk.

Anyway, all that to say, I will be away from my desk on Wednesday, November 6. Depending on how things go, I will respond to your email when I return on Thursday, November 7, or possibly never.

If this is an emergency, please contact my assistant, who may or may not be at her desk either. Alternatively, feel free to join me in screaming into the void because, seriously, WTF.