Dear Customers:
Some humans (I think? Hard to tell) in masks and vests showed up this morning and took Manny and Kumal away. As you may have noticed, those two were the only staff—despite this place being open from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., truly lazy, shiftless drains on society, those fellas—but nobody turned around the sign or locked the door, so if you all want that pack of cigarettes you tell your kids you don’t smoke or a good-enough bagel with a schmear, you’re gonna have to deal with me.
The entirety of my scope of work here at the bodega is mouse control and napping, so please bear with me as I figure out the complexities of the point-of-sale system. As I understand it, the stickers on the items bear some relation to the buttons on the cash register, but I’m as fuzzy on the details as I am on my little tummy (which you MAY NOT TOUCH). If I happen to be snoozing when you get to the front, do not wake me. Sleep is important, even though Manny and Kumal never seemed to get any. And if they didn’t have time to sleep, I can’t imagine they had time to do the kind of crimes that Noem woman is using as a pretext for all the people-snatching, but what do I know? I’m just a cat. Also, as a cat, I will not be filing or paying any taxes, unlike the human workers of this establishment.
Stock levels may vary as I sort out how to place orders with our vendors. Manny and Kumal took meticulous notes on which products their customers liked best and took pains to make sure those items were kept in stock. I am a cat, so I simply do not give a shit. I have, however, emailed the Purina wholesaler to request several skids of salmon flavor, so if that’s your bag, you’re in luck.
By the way, do you have any idea what the margins are on any of this stuff you buy? How Manny and Kumal managed to make ends meet is beyond me, but I can tell you right now they sure as shit couldn’t afford an immigration lawyer.
Tobacco products seem to have an age requirement of twenty-one—I only recognize cat years, so I will need to see proof that the purchaser is over three human years of age. Some of the vapes come in fun flavors. Oh, are we not supposed to sell those? Shame your law enforcement seems tied up with other matters, like blinding protesters by shooting them in the face.
Listen, I am aware that this represents a huge disruption and inconvenience, especially to me. I shouldn’t have to point out that I can’t vote, despite my family having been in this country for at least 112 generations. Even when I can get through to my (your, really) representatives in Congress, all I get is: “Is this that meowing guy again? Jesus Christ” and the sound of a government-issued phone hitting the cradle. As a native-born American cat, I would like nothing more than to return to my little bed and leave the actual work to the Mannys and Kumals of the world. Maybe you all should have thought of that before you decided to vote in the goons intent on ripping out the spine of this country, just because it happens to be made of imported bones.
Speaking of bones, can one of you work the can opener before I turn into a bag of them? I can’t hunt AND work the till at the same time, guys. That kind of multitasking requires the work ethic of… well, you get it.
