You’ve probably wondered about me, the independent thinker in your social network. I’m one part libertarian, one part populist, and one part common sense. I care about the same things you do: a backyard BBQ with my neighbors, my family’s safety, and the sanctity of women’s collegiate swimming.
I’m a maverick who can’t be pigeonholed. I listen to not only smooth jazz but slightly less smooth jazz. I’ve been red-pilled, but I think The Matrix was just okay. I voted for Trump, but I respect Democrats like John Fetterman who are willing to reach across the aisle to promote ethnic cleansing. And I’m still a Bernie fan, even though I openly mock AOC and Elizabeth Warren for subscribing to 90 percent of the same policies, for reasons, I assure you, I will never ask myself a single hard question about, because I’m not bound by your restrictive mental framework.
While I approach every topic with an open mind, I see so many of my peers stuck in a black-white dynamic—words I hate to even say, because they only divide us further. I don’t see color, which is not without its challenges. Navigating the world based on hues and saturation levels means holding up lines when picking out ice cream flavors, not always knowing how angry I am when I see a flag in a public setting, to say nothing of knowing how to proceed at a traffic light. Not that I’d ever suggest special accommodations; if a few pedestrians have to perish for me to exist in this pure state, that’s a price I’m willing to have them pay.
I get my news from a broad variety of sources. I follow not only Elon Musk directly but also outlets that screenshot his posts without analysis. I scour major news outlets for op-eds that don’t contain lefty catchphrases like “upending the global economic order” or “threatening our national security”—only until I’ve reached my free article limit for the month, since paying for journalism only encourages more bias. I even posted a Rachel Maddow clip one time where a guy interrupted her to explain why she was wrong.
Don’t assume I’m in lockstep with everything this administration does; I’m keeping a close eye on DOGE. Not that I disagree with their mission. Like you, I’ve grown tired of our well-run federal park system, IRS agents who bring in three to six times their salaries through auditing the top 1 percent, and tuberculosis-free public spaces. Still, I asked myself, is a non-American who’s also the richest man in the world the right person to slash US government agencies? Does he care about this country like I do? No. And that’s when I finally understood it. I mean, who better to cut programs that benefit the LGBTQ community than someone whose trans daughter is never going to speak to him again, no matter what he does? Who is more capable of cool rationality when it comes to sensitive immigration and government benefits data than a man who wouldn’t even bother to cash his Social Security checks and whose mother is in the one ethnicity Trump has promised to protect no matter what—white South Africans?
Of course, now that she lives in Canada, it goes without saying, fuck her.
I’m not a monster. I want what you want. If we can all get beyond partisanship, like me, think of the America we could create. Instead of paying mail carriers to visit individual homes, could we require public transit riders to fling packages out the window based on zip code? Could we harness our collective vision to launch a state-owned line of diesel-fueled kitchen appliances, funneling the profits into a slush fund for Putin? Does every child deserve a free school breakfast or only those with a taxable side hustle?
If these changes sound scary, it’s because you’re not used to outside-the-box thinking. I understand. It’s dark and disorienting inside the box. Bewildering, even. Can anyone help me find a rug to match this couch?
Of course, we’ll have to make sacrifices for this kind of greatness. Not me, personally. I have a pension from Boeing. Now, if someone could check to ensure there’s no mold on this red sauce, I’ll be on my way.
I’m also a non-smoker who smokes a pack a day but could quit anytime.
