I’m Headed Back to 2014

It’s been a tough stretch, and it’s not looking like it’s going to get better any time soon. I know that for months we’ve been saying, “We’re not going back,” but actually, I am. I’m headed back to 2014. Hop in, if you want to join me.

If you’re asking, “Why 2014, exactly?” then clearly, you don’t remember all of the great things about that year. Like how you can grow a mustache and wax the ends so they curl up. Or pair it with a beard and a manbun. Or get a tattoo of a mustache on your finger, so when you hold it up under your nose, it looks like you have a mustache. That shit never gets old.

When we get back to 2014, we’re going to write a lot of fanfic. We’re going to wear outfits that make people wonder, “Hipster or Amish?” We’re going to eat salad out of mason jars and make our own kombucha. We’re going to knit giant scarves. We’re going to play ukeleles.

It’s going to be fantastic.

Could your apartment use some new decorations? May I recommend chevron or ikat throw pillows, or a rose gold and marble end table? You can put a couple of succulents on it. In the bedroom, you literally cannot go wrong with collages of instant camera photos, accessorized by swags of twinkly lights.

They have shockingly cheerful music in 2014. “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk, “Bailando” by Enrique Iglesias, “Best Day of My Life” by American Authors, “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic, and “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift, which is exactly what we’re going to do.

Were there trends that you missed out on back in 2014? Like a feather tattoo with birds flying off the ends, using that loopy Live Laugh Love font, or going to a club dressed as though you were about to share a PowerPoint presentation? Or going to a club, period? Do you wish you’d tried out overalls, hope, personal boundaries, or saying “bae” or “YOLO”? Maybe you just want to watch a television show with 23 episodes, as nature intended? Now is your chance!

I can’t literally time travel, but I can control my mindset, how I live every day, and the media I consume, which is almost the same thing.

Going back to 2014 means not spending too much time on social media. True, you might’ve done this ’14, but in 2024, they are much more fine-tuned to serve up the world’s most hateful takes and horrific content in order to keep you huddled next to it, liking and downvoting posts, arguing with strangers, hating most people, and scrolling for comfort in vain. You will never cultivate a 2014 mind that way.

Cutting your time on those by 50 percent, 90 percent, or altogether has its drawbacks, of course—for the billionaire owners, who are selling your attention to advertisers. You are Mark Zuckerberg’s oil deposit on the ocean floor, and he does not give a fuck about oil spills. If his algorithms abet a genocide in Myanmar, violence in Ethiopia, or a civil war in the United States, so be it. The man spent around $50 billion on a “Metaverse” and virtually (ha) nobody cared, so he’s got to make that up. Elon Musk’s father owned an emerald mine, but on Twitter, you are Elon Musk’s emerald mine. Any pain you share there, he monetizes, plus he thinks it’s hilarious. He enjoys strip-mining your one wild and precious life almost as much as TikTok does, and that’s saying something. Elon Musk’s father owned an emerald mine, but on Twitter, you are Elon Musk’s emerald mine. Any pain you share there, he monetizes, plus he thinks it’s hilarious. He enjoys strip-mining your one wild and precious life almost as much as TikTok does, and that’s saying something.

So yeah, if you spend less time on their apps, that’ll suck for them. For you, though, it’ll be amazing.

If you want to read, you can read blogs, magazines, and books. If you want to chat, you can do it REAL LIFE. Where? Bars. Book clubs. Cafés. Random events at your library. You can use Meetup.com to meet new weirdos. This is going to sound wild, but you can talk to your actual neighbors. Bring them some cookies or ask them over to have a beer on your deck. Or even visit a church, if there’s one nearby that suits you.

Anyone who thinks I’m joking about all this has not seen me frolicking around in a high-waisted ModCloth dress with owls or foxes or some other cute shit printed on it, but believe me: you will.

I admit that I don’t have the same body that I had in 2014. But you know what? I can get back there. I can walk a lot, go to the gym, and maybe even run a 5K. Those things are good for my mental and physical health, which makes them the opposite of doomscrolling.

So let’s do this. Let’s head back to 2014. But let’s also get involved with ways to make this world a better place. Maybe we’ll do some new ice bucket challenge, which actually increased Americans’ overall charitable giving in 2014. Like I was saying, rage-posting on social media is the opposite of that. People who don’t like you love to see you do it, and will vote for the person who makes you the angriest.

You can get involved behind the scenes with organizations, causes, or random acts of kindness. You can volunteer at charities or join grassroots political organizations. This is another way to meet people IN REAL LIFE. People need your positive words and actions more than ever, and—who knows?—along with green smoothies and galaxy-print leggings, they might eventually lead us to a new Best Year Yet.