“A federal vaccine committee took a major step toward Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s goal of remaking the childhood vaccine schedule, voting to end a decades-long recommendation that all newborns be immunized at birth against hepatitis B, a highly infectious virus that can cause severe liver damage.”
— The New York Times
Hi, it’s me, Bobby Kennedy Jr., a man who sounds incredibly unvaccinated. Please, don’t get up. I just took an ice bath in your trash can out back. Not with the garbage, of course. I emptied the garbage back into your pantry—you can and should eat garbage, it helps strengthen your immune system. I found a doctor in Tucson who proved it before he disappeared. Anyway, I just came by to tell you: I hate your kids—I mean, vaccines—and I, um, want them all gone. Yeah, I want vaccines gone.
Do you have a towel? I tried drying myself off with your cat, but it got away. Look, I know you don’t understand how I’m suddenly the guy making decisions about everybody’s kids when I look and talk like a guy who should never be around a kid ever again, but you need to know that I’m doing what’s best for your children. All I want is to get rid of them. I mean, um, vaccines. Get rid of vaccines. Damnit, I gotta stop doing that.
If you don’t have a towel, I’d at least love some clothes. I pissed all over mine before I took my trash can ice bath. It keeps predators away if you piss yourself. You should actually cover yourself in your own urine at least once a week; it’s a great way to fight off dementia. What was I saying? Right. I want your kids dead. And it’s not just me—I have the full-fledged support of the entire GOP and the president to make sure we find a way to kill your kids. Shit, vaccines. Kill vaccines. That’s what we’re doing. Ignore the other thing I said.
Go ahead, take a look. It’s okay to stare. This is what the peak male physique looks like. You’re shaking your head? Sure, like you know what you’re talking about. There are entire forums that agree with me. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’m in charge. I decide who lives and who dies. And I’m mostly focused on the latter.
By the way, I ate the squirrel you’ve been raising for food in your yard. What’s that? You don’t raise squirrels? Wow, free-range squirrel meat! No wonder I can’t feel my legs. Nature’s cocaine. That’s what they say. The doctor in Tucson used to say that.
Okay, let’s review: I do not care at all about your or anyone else’s children and—in fact—I would like all the children of this country to suffer. There. Nailed it.
Wait, no, I mean vaccines. Whatever I said, I meant it to be about vaccines.
