I’m Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and It’s Time to Build a Healthcare System for 2025 BCE

“After saying that he would let Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ‘go wild on health,’ President-elect Donald J. Trump said Thursday that he would nominate him to lead the Health and Human Services Department, positioning a vocal skeptic of vaccines to wield significant influence over public health policy.” — New York Times

The American healthcare system is broken—the highest costs in the world and among the worst outcomes. We’ve gradually been losing control, and it’s time to turn back the clock. It’s time to build a healthcare system for 2025 BCE.

We’re facing drug shortages and price-gouging that were unheard of in ancient times, and it’s entirely self-inflicted. Real medicine is cheap and plentiful. The problem is that doctors refuse to prescribe raw onions anymore.

We need to harken back to a time when people drank raw milk and defluoridated water, and you never heard of people dying of ailments like “popcorn lung” or “old age.”

There weren’t any vaccines back then, and measles was the least of their problems. Today’s twelve-year-old kids shouldn’t be forced to have medical decisions made for them. Under the new administration, twelve-year-olds will be considered middle-aged—just like they were thousands of years ago—and will be treated as such.

Plus, we know people are having fewer children today than four thousand years ago. Why do you think that is? These days, there’s no incentive to have eight kids and pray that at least one of them survives. I’m here to bring back those incentives.

In 2025 BCE, there was no 5G or Wi-Fi-beaming peer-reviewed papers and double-blind studies directly from computers into the brains of our doctors and nurses, infecting them with ideas. Instead, medical professionals followed the Hippocratic Oath, swearing to keep all medical facts and findings confidential from the public and to acknowledge no harm.

Today, the two leading causes of premature death are cars and guns. Four thousand years ago, they didn’t have a single death from either. You expect me to believe it’s a coincidence that this changed right around the time they stopped balancing their phlegm and bile humors?

And there’s all of this stigma about using the same treatments for humans that we use for horses. Do you realize how much money the Romans saved by making saunas big enough for both?

When people needed medical advice back in the day, they used to trust the oldest white guy around for medical advice. If everything goes to plan, by the end of this administration, I will be the oldest white guy around.

Those ancient medical experts would just string together their last two hundred off-the-cuff thoughts about medicine into a book that would be considered absolute doctrine for the next three millennia. Soon, every doctor’s office will have a leather-bound collection of my X posts.

Today, we’ve abandoned ancient practices that have been proven effective for centuries. People have written off bloodletting as pseudoscience, but I’m going to bring it back bigger than ever. I’m going to bleed out the entire FDA. I just need to find a leech capable of sucking billions of dollars out of the government.