Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People

Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114.

The Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal is advertised pretty much exclusively by word of mouth, and each person who tells you about it describes a slightly different array of features.

If you ask your HVAC guy about this thermostat, he’ll confirm that, yeah, he’s heard of it—but the problems with your current thermostat are a normal part of an aging system. Have you tried just learning to deal with them?

Before an unnecessarily snippy cease and desist letter, the thermostat was marketed with the acronym MEST (Modern Essential Sensitive Thermostat). Given its unprecedented speed in reaching elevated temperatures, some people—but not nice ones—called it the HOT MEST.

It’s not called that anymore, but it doesn’t matter; no one ever notices it anyway because it does everything seamlessly and without thanks. Everything would grind to a halt if it decided one day to just, you know, stop doing stuff. Maybe take an impromptu solo vacation to Aruba, who knows? But since any resulting disasters would fall on this thermostat to fix, it just keeps working. Somehow.

If you install the mobile app, the Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal will automatically forward incoming calls from any school or office to the other person on the goddamn contact form.

While it keeps everything running, the thermostat will sometimes completely lose its shit over seemingly minor malfunctions, especially if it’s the one responsible for them.

The thermostat is never too overwhelmed to answer a text from your mom, who loves you very much and knows you’re very busy but just wonders if your kid’s fever from three days ago ever broke and whether someone needs soup.

The thermostat is never too overwhelmed to answer a text from your kid, who tolerates you very much and forgets you’re very busy but just wonders if someone’s school laptop ever broke, hypothetically, whether someone could need a new one.

The thermostat can’t walk your dog. But it can remind everyone else in the house that you said you would be doing everything for the dog, and oh look, who’s right? Who’s the rightest person? Is it you? Is it?

On nights that you cannot, you absolutely cannot, the Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal orders pizza in the correct combination of half cheese, half whatever topping people didn’t tell you they hate now.

When connected to your network, it will collude with your smart vac to announce that this house has baseboards, and it’d be nice if there were more than one person who decided to clean them at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday.

Using advanced algorithms and remarkable self-restraint, the thermostat employs eye-tracking technology to recognize glares, eye rolls, and their originating sources. If it’s you, it will do what you need to be done immediately. If it’s anyone else, it will ignore them. Pointedly.

While it cannot itself infuse your face with peptides and retinoids, the thermostat can research and order the exact correct ones for your skin, so you can stop googling “face like blobfish with rosacea help.”

It comes equipped with three interactive settings—“Wallow,” “Rage,” and “Everything Is Absolutely Fine”—and will accurately select whichever best meets your emotional needs at the moment.

Listen, this thermostat is a big adjustment. A big, frustrating, unpredictable adjustment. But if you ask around (at least to anyone other than your HVAC guy), people who understand will tell you that you deserve to feel better and that feeling better shouldn’t be rocket science.

Unfortunately, rocket science gets a lot more time and research funding than a deeply transforming physical journey experienced by more than half the population.

Fortunately, the thermostat comes equipped with a “Shriek of Wrath” button that can only be activated by your middle finger.

The Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal is both finicky and expensive. But unlike modern medicine, government, and society at large, it will reassure you that you’re worth the investment.