Thank you so much for helping us welcome our new baby into the world. We’ve done a thesis amount of research as first-time parents, so here’s an overview of what we’d love from family and friends, and what we’re prepared to return or donate. It’s adorable how the baby—not us—is SO picky.
For strollers, we’d like one of the most expensive ones—either the Nuna, the Doona, or the Buggaboo. While we know there are so many other great brands out there, we specifically do not want the FrickaFracka, BoopBoopBB, MaxiKangaroo, CyberStroll, Zzzzzoona, Goona, Swoona, StorkChaser, BeepBeepLUXE, BabyGoWeeeeee, or the JoggyBoy.
For gifts related to my breasts, the Boppy and the My Brest Friend nursing pillow are best. We’re also interested in the Tits4Tots Cushion, the Boobie Bolster, the Deluxe Udder Assist, and the Milking Wedge XL. Please be aware: There was a recent recall on the ChestRest Classic and the OucheeNipee 2.0.
When it comes to baby carriers, we’re pretty open. We love BabyBjörn, Infantino, and Artipoppe. We hate TumTumTaxi, Daddy Donkey, and Nugget Hauler.
Regarding sleep, the SNOO bassinet and the Stokke Sleepi crib are our faves. I did, however, poll parents in the “Damn, Kids R Crazy” Facebook group last week, and they said we should be open to a few other options as well. This includes: the Doze Bros Basket, the Original StraightJacket Cradle, the Rock-n-Roll Party Pen, and a replica of Jesus’s manger, which alleges immaculate sleep.
We will only be giving our newborn pediatrician-approved bottles from Dr. Sucks. Dr. Sucks has been around since 1902 and knows sucking better than anyone. They also make a pacifier we approve of called the NubbaDubDub, and a baby-gas-relief contraption called the RootieTootToot. Do not be embarrassed to ask a store clerk for these things!
We can’t imagine taking our tired eyes off our bundle of joy, but when we do, we’ll need FBI-level surveillance on them at all times. The Owlet DreamSock and the Nanit Camera have top-tier reviews, so we’d recommend not even thinking about the JailBirdie+, the Big Brother Spy Kit, or the “He Sees You When You’re Sleeping” Santa Cam.
This baby will be a BIG change. When it comes to diapers, Pampers and Huggies won’t do it—we’re naturally drawn to the newer, luxe products that really close the gap on blowouts. If you’d like to help us stock up, we’d prefer: HappiestPoos, Goo Couture, Stanley Tushy reusables, or Bougiest Booty. (Whatever you do, do not buy the CrackAttack Turbos.)
For nursery waste, Diaper Genie is out; Diaper Ghost, Diaper Demon, and Diaper Goblin are in.
You already know this baby will be the best-dressed. We’d appreciate almost any 100 percent cotton, organic, OEKO-TEX Standard 100, fireproof, waterproof, carbon-neutral, locally sourced onesies, twosies, footies, etc. Some popular designers in our closet already: Uppity Pup, Posh Munchkin, Postnatal Elite by Ritzy Peanut, and Little Vicarious Mommy. (Sorry, but we will have to toss anything from Forever 1, Young Navy, and TemuTyke in the Diaper Goblin.)
We don’t think you know enough about what happens to my body postpartum, so a few other things we’d appreciate you considering: nipple cream, nipple butter, nipple shields, nipple ice packs, nipple tassels (why not?), herbal perineal spray, a perineal water gun, a perineal donut, and adult diapers (CrackAttack Turbos are fine in this instance). You can find these on our registry under the General Humiliation tab.
We’ll plan to open all of these wonderful gifts at our baby shower next month. The party theme is: “The World Is Burning, but We’re Still Doing This.” (Exactly why we need everything to be fireproof.)
Thank you in advance for making all of baby’s dreams come true!
