Nothing Stands Between Us Teachers and the Brainwashing of America’s Children, Except This Beef Jerky in the Pencil Sharpener

I know many Americans are fearful about the state of democracy, but let me be the first educator to say: Don’t worry. We teachers are almost finished with the liberal brainwashing of our nation’s children. Right now, every public school student in America awaits our instructions for a coordinated leftist insurrection, which we’ll deliver just as soon as we get this beef jerky out of the pencil sharpener.

Yeah, it’s teriyaki-flavored, which seems a bit stickier than the flamin’ jalapeño from last week, but really, it’s not a problem. Utter complicity is at hand—the cafeteria will simply remove beef jerky from the à la carte line, just like they removed string cheese, carrots, and other pencil-shaped foodstuffs last semester, and we’ll be back on track with the master plan:

• sharpen pencils
• command brainwashed scholastic mob to compose and unleash millions of pro-DEI op-eds upon the billionaire-owned media
• enjoy transgender communism

Once we find a fine-bristled brush for the really crusty bits, nothing will stand between us and victory. Nothing!

Well, other than some extra pencils. Fourth period flushed the January donations down the toilet, and the ones we picked up at the dollar store last week turned out to be made of asbestos. But again, don’t worry. Nearly 50 percent of all students remember to bring pencils to class, and the rest are making do with crayon nubs they find wedged in the carpet. It’s fine. Is a manifesto any less radical in burnt sienna? What about in sentence fragments? Because the kids aren’t super into subjects and predicates right now. Or “you’re” versus “your.” Or putting their names on their papers instead of “Skibidi Toilet.”

No matter. The brainwashing will fix all that, and if not, a little human sacrifice will probably push us over the finish line. Don’t look so alarmed. We do it every August. How else would we come to possess such god-like powers, such astonishing wealth, such political dominance, if not by annually driving a 2005 Honda Civic into the maw of an active volcano? It’s not our fault the gods prefer imports and PE teachers; mesh shorts are sacred to the ancient ones.

Look, the point is that we are the great and terrible educational lobby. Pay no attention to the child vaping in the seventh-grade bathroom, and definitely don’t look at the girls taking photos of the assistant principal, which they will stitch together later to make it look like he’s hitting the griddy. Submit! Kneel before your merciless telepathic overlords. And check out our Amazon wishlist if you get a chance. We’re low on green Jolly Ranchers and pencils.