“Do you mind me shouting at you like this, or would you prefer I let you pass without shouting at you?”
“I’m a medical doctor who just looked at your health records, and good news! You’ll never get cancer!”
“Your parents were wrong to name you that!”
“Your name is NOT my name too! I just like shouting at people I don’t know, because I am a small, empty garbage person! I’m gonna stop right after this!”
“How can I make your life easier!?!”
“What does that song even mean!?! Is it just about two guys with the same name? It doesn’t make any sense! Who’s the main character in the song? You or the person who is singing? Is someone walking with you with that name or does the whole world have the same name as you? You don’t have to answer! These questions are rhetorical!”
“Is it okay if I throw you a bag with enough money in it to pay off all your credit card debt?”
“Hey! I have a picture over here that definitively proves who shot JFK, if you want to come see!”
“I understand how all this constant shouting must be a living nightmare for you!”
“I can’t believe how well you have done for yourself given the terrible name you were saddled with!”
“I know it’s not as easy as just legally changing your name to avoid all this nonsense, and I trust that you have tried all the things to make this daily torture stop!”
“All things considered, you’re doing great!”
