Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town!
In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything run smoothly. When everything runs smoothly, no one has to ask questions. Working also keeps Fascist Busytown safe. Safety is important, especially when there are so many people who do not belong here.
Adults are workers. Children are workers too. Children are especially good workers because they are small. They can fit into places where adults cannot go, like factories with narrow gaps, crawl spaces under warehouses, and air vents where important listening happens.
Are you a worker? Are you sure?
Some workers work indoors. Some workers work outdoors. Some work in unmarked Chevy Tahoes, doing jobs that Fascist Busytown residents are encouraged to ignore. These workers travel from place to place. They pick up strangers. They pick up whoever they want. They deliver them to a processing facility two thousand miles away in less time than it’ll take you to read this story.
What does your daddy do? What does your mommy do? Please say it clearly so Fascist Busytown’s Palantir predictive policing AI platform can understand.
Are you a good helper? Would you like to help check which Fascist Busytown families are following the rules? Start with your neighbors and escalate quickly, so that Sam and Dudley’s detective agency and the courts will have trouble keeping up.
Now, let’s count all the Fascist Busytown workers to ensure we meet our quota. One, two, three… What do all these workers do?
Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government. Inspector Goldbug is very busy. He keeps careful records and sometimes keeps a little extra for himself, which is allowed because he works so hard—he’s on every page!
Farmer Alfalfa enjoys working with Inspector Goldbug. If he didn’t, his workers and his family would be sent home to El Salvador, which Inspector Goldbug assures him is very far away. Farmer Alfalfa was born in Iowa.
Farmer Alfalfa also bought gifts for his family. Mommy received a crucifix. Tammy got some lip injections to impress the president. Alfred received a toy shaped like the MQ-9 Reaper combat drone he’ll pilot to observe and protect Fascist Busytown one day.
What did the other workers do with their money? First, they bought rations. Then they bought hollow points. Then they put what was left in the state-run bank. The bank keeps the money safe. The bank also shares helpful information with the government, so no one gets clever with their savings.
Stitches the Tailor bought an eggbeater so his family could make fudge. They made the fudge at home, with the shades drawn, because the Department of Health and Human Services classified chocolate as a biological agent used by domestic terrorists to destroy the food pyramid.
Captain Salty is preparing his ship for a voyage. Long ago, the ship carried tourists who wanted to visit faraway places. Now the ship carries Venezuelan oil and Chinese rare-earth minerals and other things the nation needs urgently, like Ozempic.
Ah, here come some passengers. They do not need to buy tickets for this trip. Their tickets were punched earlier when they crossed into Fascist Busytown without permission. Border Guard Billy helped punch them, and the tickets too.
Sergeant Murphy and the Fascist Busytown Police work extremely hard. They wear protective gear and drive M1126 Stryker Combat Vehicles designed for places where people use big words like “counterinsurgency” and “improvised explosive devices.”
When people gather, the police help them disperse. When people speak loudly, the police help them quiet down. When people ask why soldiers are in town, the police help disappear them to the new detention center, which used to be a mall.
Everyone worked very hard today. Tomorrow, there will be more to do, more rules to follow, and more opportunities to explain why you deserve to live here if you don’t look like everyone else.
Sleep well. Fascist Busytown will be watching over you. And Palantir will too.
