“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”
Forget the naughty-and-nice list; we need a third list for morons. What the hell are you going to do with a hippopotamus? You do not have the resources or space to effectively care for a wild animal in your residential home, especially one without an in-ground swimming pool. Not to mention, you clearly have zero concern for my safety. How the hell do you expect me to transport this thing to you in a sleigh without getting mauled? As if I don’t already have enough to worry about, trying to deliver presents in Stand Your Ground states. Absolutely not.
“My Grown-Up Christmas List”
Oh, no more war? Yeah, let me get right on that. Imagine this whole time I’ve had the ability to stop all war, but didn’t because I was waiting for Amy Grant to ask me to. Can we be serious for two fucking seconds? I run a workshop run by elves. If you were an actual grown-up, you’d be realistic. How about a weighted blanket? Or whiskey stones? Now that’s a grown-up Christmas list.
“White Christmas”
I don’t control the weather.
“Santa Baby”
First of all, don’t call me “baby.” I’m happily married to Mrs. Claus, famously. Second of all, are you out of your goddamn mind? Let me get this straight, you’re asking for a ‘54 convertible in light blue, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, and a duplex? And as if that’s not enough, you’re just outright asking for me to sign a check as well? Whatever happened to rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums? In any case, this is all moot after your request for a sable, because wearing real fur puts you right on the naughty list. PETA’s angry enough about the reindeer, I don’t need them throwing paint on me, too.
“All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”
This falls under the Tooth Fairy’s jurisdiction. But why is your sister Susie sitting on a thistle?
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”
A pair of Hopalong boots? Okay, sure. But a pistol that shoots?!? I stopped giving children guns years ago. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Janice and Jen can count on their dolls that’ll talk and go for a walk, though. As for the snarky parents who can hardly wait for school to start again, I don’t like your attitude.
“I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday”
I’d kill myself.
“The Chipmunk Song”
Finally, somebody with sense. Yes, Alvin, I will bring you a hula hoop. But guess who isn’t getting jackshit? That Dave guy, especially after the abuse he hurled at you for your hearing impairment. He’s completely unfit to father three chipmunks, let alone manage their boy band.
“All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Though Mariah Carey is essentially my business partner, her hit song “All I Want for Christmas Is You” has unleashed a barrage of unreasonable demands. Now, every year, new pop stars release their own songs about wanting a man for Christmas. Let me be clear, I cannot deliver human beings. That’s called sex trafficking, and it is a crime. “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande, “My Only Wish (This Year)” by Britney Spears, and “Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” by Kelly Clarkson are just a few examples of famous singers wanting me to kidnap and deliver men to them, and I simply will do no such thing. Not again.
“Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer”
There wasn’t a request in this one, but it’s slander. And I will be taking legal action.
