“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding federal operations through the end of September, fissures have expanded within the Democratic Party on how best to counter Donald Trump and Elon Musk’s ongoing assault on government agencies.” — Mother Jones
SCHUMER: My fellow Trojans, we are gathered to discuss what to do with the big wooden horse statue that the Greeks left behind.
TOWNSMAN: It’s a ruse to kill us all! I say we burn it, then uncork some wine—and enjoy centuries of peace and prosperity.
SCHUMER: Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process. Now, what do we know about this thing?
GUARD 1: We found it two days ago, along with a note that reads: “Please take this statue as a gift. It would look especially good in an unguarded plaza with easy access to your main thoroughfares. P.S. Try not to block the air holes—for artistic reasons.”
SCHUMER: Was there anything on the back?
GUARD 1: A blueprint for a gigantic horse that can fit thirty men inside.
SCHUMER: Well, I—for one—am touched by this act of generosity. Perhaps one day, all of humanity will know the saying “Be welcoming of Greeks bearing gifts.”
GUARD 2: Senator, there’s more… as we approached the horse, we heard what sounded like dozens of soldiers sharpening daggers inside. At one point, baklava fell out—and one of the soldiers said, “Great. That was the last of the baklava. Now we have to kill a thousand Trojans on an empty stomach.”
SCHUMER: Has anyone actually seen these supposed soldiers?
GUARD 1: No, but we hear them plenty. They whistle every time a maiden walks by. And this morning, we heard a voice say, “Dammit, I spilled the pee bucket,” then the horse almost tipped over as they all scattered to get away.
GUARD 2: The statue also has a secret hatch—one of them opened it to let out all the hookah smoke. Senator, let’s just destroy it.
SCHUMER: But what of decorum?
GUARD 2: Is he one of the Greeks hiding in the horse?
TOWNSMAN: I have an idea—let’s weigh the pros and cons of letting in the horse. I’ll start. Pros: none.
SCHUMER: My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare.
GUARD 1: Oh, it’s not a mare—that horse is packing. We think that’s where they’re storing the shields.
GUARD 2: And I have to push back on “one of a kind.” This is the third one they’ve built—their soldiers fell through the bottom of the first two.
SCHUMER: Look… I know everyone’s worried about this statue facing our gates. But I see this as a chess match between us and the Greeks—and I know chess. Our best play is to move the horse straight forward.
TOWNSMAN: Are you sure you know chess?
GUARD 1: Maybe we can compromise. What if we let in the horse—but surround it with men ready to stab anyone who jumps out?
SCHUMER: No dice. We’ll need everyone capable of wielding a blade to get to work on the thank-you sculpture we send back to Greece.
TOWNSMAN: Senator, this is a real quagmire—perhaps we should sleep on it?
SCHUMER: Fine. But we’ll sleep on it with the horse inside the gate, so no one can steal it.
TOWNSMAN: (indecipherable muttering in Trojan)
SCHUMER: People of Troy, long ago, you vested me with the power to make big decisions. Do you remember why?
GUARD 1: Because we trusted your judgment.
SCHUMER: Exactly—And after all these years, I still have that same tactical savvy. Now let’s wheel this mysterious hollow horse to our city center, then go get some shut-eye.
