“President Trump on Wednesday abruptly reversed course on steep global tariffs that have roiled markets, upset members of his own party and raised fears of a recession. Just hours after he put punishing levies into place on nearly 60 countries, the president said he would pause them for 90 days.” — New York Times, 4/9/25
Folks, I’m thrilled to announce that the gamble paid off. Nobody believed we could do it, but here we are. The plan worked—stocks are skyrocketing back to less than they were before.
You’ve probably seen the numbers by now, and they’re incredible numbers. An absolutely fantastic set of numbers. In fact, these numbers are nearly halfway to the numbers we had before we tried any of this.
Now, a lot of people are saying we did a whole lot of damage for nothing. But you know what? That couldn’t be further from the truth. On the contrary, we’re pretty confident that this is the smartest thing anyone’s ever done. We undid so much damage that, as of today, we’re only mostly damaged.
Think about it:
Tariffs? Not a problem anymore—we just lowered them back to way higher than they’ve ever been.
Retirement funds? Doing great—they’ve made huge gains, all the way up to so much worse than anyone was expecting.
International relations? Totally copasetic—other countries are really warming up to us. They only hate us twice as much as they did a month ago.
Still not on board with this whole strategy? Still don’t see why it’s been a huge success? Maybe a metaphor would help.
It’s like if you were on a cruise ship during a storm, and suddenly the captain said, “I’ve got a plan. Everybody tie rocks to your feet and jump in the ocean, right now!” So you did, and you started sinking—fast. And then the captain said, somehow audible underwater, “Okay, untie those rocks!” And so you got rid of the rocks and shot back to the surface. And now you’re treading water during a hurricane. Isn’t that wonderful? Don’t you feel excited? That’s the power of negotiation.
Look, we’re not going to pretend like all our dreams have just come true. But we did just make an absolutely enormous amount of money by pushing stock prices down, buying, and then bringing the prices back—wait, sorry, um, forget that part.
We’re proud to announce that we stayed the course, and our plan to help the American people paid off. The economy is finally back to being worse than it was before any of this. And if everyone continues to do exactly as I say, we’ll never have to worry about anything getting better ever again.
