For several centuries, Santa Claus has been one of the most prolific mythical gift-givers in the world. Formerly known as Saint Nicholas of Myra, a man whose works included reviving the bodies of three children slain by a serial murderer, Santa Claus reinvented himself in the mid-1800s as a jolly Norwegian-style figure of merriment, whose generosity was based on the recipient’s moral acuity.
I recently spoke with Santa Claus, who is currently coordinating his staff of immortal blue-collar elves, about the morality of children and his friendship with a creature whom many carolers consider a war criminal: Krampus.
You have chosen to spend every Christmas Eve flying around the globe giving gifts to all of the, and I’m quoting here, “good girls and boys.” Why did you decide that only good children deserve gifts?
I wouldn’t say that I made the decision. I’d say that I’m following the traditions set forth by Christianity and other religions in which acts of good are rewarded, while acts of bad are punished. Christmas is a fun way to teach children that being good and kind can lead to positive results, even if being mean or a bully feels better in the moment.
And so-called bad children deserve nothing.
That’s not what I’m saying, Isaac. I’m saying that the better a child behaves, the better the gift they get. There are degrees of bad. A child who won’t play with his little sister might not deserve a Nintendo Switch 2, but, like, a baseball glove? Sure. I can do that.
So if a very wealthy child gets everything they requested and a poor child does not, are you positing that the wealthy child is morally superior to the one who lives in poverty?
No! What I’m saying is that overall—and I just mean overall—whether a child is naughty or nice does have an impact on what they receive. You know, in general.
But you do make the list yourself, and you are the one who checks it twice.
Yes, of course. It’s in the song.
So you are, in fact, the one who decides which children deserve nice things and which don’t.
That’s unfair. I’m saying that, through the magic of Christmas, I can understand the heart of each child and through that special bond—
Can you see into the heart of every child?
Yes.
I have to stop you there for a second because you just said something interesting. If you can see into every child’s heart throughout the year, don’t you feel that you have a moral obligation to help them when they’re in crisis rather than waiting for December to give them a Hatchimal?
Look, you have to understand that the magic of Christmas is limited.
Limited to flying to approximately 2.6 billion Christmas homes in one night and changing your body’s shape to slide down chimneys?
I didn’t say it’s not powerful magic, Isaac. I said it’s limited magic.
I’m just trying to understand how you can run a magic workshop all year long, raise magic reindeer all year long, watch children’s deeds all year long, but your ability to act is limited to a few hours.
Yes. Whether you want to believe that’s true or not, it’s true.
What I also struggle to believe is that you are the self-described arbiter of naughty and nice, but you are close to Krampus.
I don’t know if I’d say we’re close.
There are Christmas cards with you both on the front.
Yes, we both work on the same holiday. We’re both tasked with making Christmas truly magical.
By snatching the children from their beds and taking them to hell?
You’re giving an example of the most extreme situation and making it sound like the norm.
But that does happen on occasion, you agree?
Yes.
And those children are getting dragged to hell by Krampus on the one night that you said you could do something. But you don’t. Why?
Because Krampus has his role and I’ve got mine! I think it’s weird that the Tooth Fairy takes teeth, but that’s not my job either.
So your job is to judge people, but not to judge people for judging people.
You’re making it sound like I approve of Krampus’s methods. I don’t. Just because you share a holiday with someone doesn’t mean you agree with them on everything. I love kids.
Santa Claus, thank you so much for doing this.
Great, thanks. If we go light on the Krampus part, I wouldn’t complain, because it could dwarf everything else.
