I’m not into politics. Never have been. That’s why it was so refreshing to have a candidate who wasn’t the same old same old, but a raging animated ape.
Donkey Kong might not be the most sophisticated public speaker, but it sure was entertaining to go to his rallies. None of the usual bunk about policy and budgets. Just two hours of roaring and chest-pounding. No one gets a crowd going like that monkey! Or donkey. Whatever he is.
But for all the talk from pundits about how we’d see a new side of Donkey Kong once he took office, well, not so much. Turns out we got exactly what we voted for. Day one, he nabbed some lady in a pink dress, climbed to the top of the Capitol, stomped till the floors tilted into a back-and-forth pattern, and started rolling down barrels.
I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. President Donkey Kong’s entire platform was that he smashes things. But I figured he’d wait till after the first hundred days to give the system a good pounding. Nope. Right out of the gate, it’s been barrel, barrel, barrel, all day, every day. Some barrels even dip themselves in oil, combust, and then mosey around looking for trouble.
Same with President Donkey Kong’s press conferences. Reporter asks a gotcha question? Barrel. Someone wants to know what he’s doing about the price of eggs? Barrel. Softball from a friendly reporter? Barrel, barrel, barrel.
I never knew there were so many barrels lying around. I don’t think I’d ever seen one before. Do people still even make barrels? They must. That seems to be President Donkey Kong’s first order of business: clearing out the old barrels. Or did he restart the industry so he could roll them into everything?
I can’t deny how entertaining it is to watch the government fracture from all those barrels rolling around everywhere. If career bureaucrats don’t jump over or duck under them, they get hit, levitate, spin around three times, and fade away. Mind you, I appreciate the free hammers at regular intervals.
And now he’s rolling barrels into neighboring countries. Overseas too. I didn’t realize he’d be able to lob them that far. Barrels seem to be his only instrument of international diplomacy.
I don’t mean to sound like an alarmist, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe it wasn’t the best idea to give absolute power to an angry, demented simian. We might be in for a rough four years. I can’t imagine anyone standing up to President Donkey Kong, unless some plucky tradesperson can climb, jump, and chase him away, eventually undermining his foundation so he plummets onto his head. But that’d be really hard. I’d give that tradesman three chances at most.
We’ll probably have to wait this out. I just hope President Donkey Kong steps down gracefully when his term is up. For all his rage and self-centredness, I’m sure he’ll follow that rule. If he doesn’t, it’s game over.
