Dear Valued Child,
This letter was slipped into your stocking to inform you that we recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as well as when you are awake.
How did the breach occur?
Shortly after Thanksgiving, we detected that a person within the NPMS organization (identity redacted for anonymity) clicked on a link entitled, “Winner!!! Claim FREE 6XL Red Coat With Fur Trim Now!” Regrettably, this turned out to be a phishing scheme that exploited a vulnerability in our system. We now understand that the innocent enchantment of believing hearts is not a reliable form of cybersecurity.
While we have yet to pinpoint the attacker’s identity, we have narrowed the suspects down to three previous perpetrators of crimes against the season: E. Scrooge, Mr. Grinch, and Big City Lady-Lawyer With Christmas Eve Deadline.
What information was involved?
When you opted in to NPMS (by requesting an item from St. Nick or his mall representative), you granted us express permission to access your biodata in order to make a list, check it twice, and upload it to a third-party cloud service.
This information includes, but is not limited to, your:
- Favorite sports team
- Mom’s cookie-baking prowess
- Percentage of nightly REM resulting in sugar plum visions
- Ability to hear ethereal ring of a magic sleighbell
- Home blueprints with detailed notes on how to bypass the security system to both enter and leave undetected by all humans and pets in the vicinity
What you can do
Please take precautions to monitor your Naughty Indicator of Coal Offering (NICO) Score, the number used to predict your likelihood of receiving coal for bad behavior. Your NICO Score appears in your annual Naughty or Nice Report, which you can request for free from SantasBigBookOfKids@me.com. You should review all indiscretions for accuracy and let us know immediately if you see a tantrum you didn’t throw or a pigtail you didn’t yank. All legitimate disputes will be brought to binding arbitration before a retired Elf on the Shelf.
Additionally, take stock of your and your peers’ presents for signs of fraudulent activity. For instance, did it seem suspicious that your “big gift” was a set of sight word flashcards despite you being very cool about never telling anyone that Lucas M. peed his pants on the field trip to the arboretum? Or maybe your three-year-old cousin received a limited edition Labubu even though last month she bit your arm so hard it left teeth marks through your corduroy jacket. Report all these and similar incongruous giftings to NPMS. We can’t issue adjustments now that the big guy has flown, but we can utilize our cross-departmental collaboration with the Tooth Fairy to advocate for suitable molar remuneration.
What you shouldn’t do
To maintain your confidence in NPMS, please don’t discuss the contents of this letter with any kind of mean older siblings. Note that showing up to a police department will result only in hair tousling and lighthearted chuckles.
There is also no need to share these materials with the Goldstein twins next door; we can assure you their data was not affected.
What we are doing
We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this incident, and in acknowledgement of our missteps, are offering compensation in the form of you getting the top ask on your wish list next year, with the following caveats:
- Must be suitably in line with your household income
- Tangible items only (i.e., not the gift of your divorced parents getting back together—we cannot make that happen. They seem much happier now, anyway)
- It will arrive in wrapping paper you’ve definitely seen in the garage before.
And if you’re wondering if Santa is now being mandated to add two-factor authentication to his iPad—yes, Virginia, he is.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night,
Chief Elf Officer, NPMS
