Hercules, demigod and hero, in a fit of madness brought on by FOMO and too much HGTV, did consult with the Oracle of Delphi about buying a house. The Oracle, in her wisdom, and in partnership with Redfin, advised Hercules, “You know, there’s really never a bad time to get on the property ladder.” And thus, Hercules did put an offer in on a house, and he did cry out, “Oh shit,” when it was accepted, and subsequently, these Twelve Labors were imposed upon him.
1. The Slaying of the Goodwill Acceptable Donations Policy by Surreptitiously Dropping Off, Among Other Items That Should Have Just Gone in the Trash, the Red Wine-Stained Skin of the Nemean Lion, Which Hercules Only Wore Once
2. The Slaying of the Movers Who Broke Hercules’s Only Box of Plates, Not with Violence, But by Leaving a Scathing Google Review Comparing Them to a Nine-Headed Hydra with a Case of the Dropsies
3. The Capture of the Elusive 2022 W2 Form Required to Finalize Hercule’s Mortgage Application, Which Was Somehow Not in the Bankers Box Marked “Important Documents” Even Though Hercules Definitely Remembers Putting It in There
4. The Capture of Hercules’s Signature on 400-ish Pages of Legal Documents at the Escrow Company That, While Wildly Boring, Made Him Nauseous When He Realized That by the Time His Mortgage Is Finally Paid Off, He’ll Be Older Than Chronos
5. The Single Day Cleansing of Hercules’s Apartment in a Futile Attempt to Obtain His Security Deposit Back from His Landlord Augeus, and the Later Navigation of the Google Search Results for “Small Claims Court Worth It?”
6. The Shooting of the Obligatory Instagram Reel About How #Blessed Hercules Is to Buy His Dream Home That Neglects to Mention the Monstrous Birds Roosting in His Attic That Were Found on His Home Inspection
7. The Capture of Hercule’s Attention Span by Zeus and Hera’s Facebook Post about Their Luxury Vacation in Crete and the Subsequent Hour of Yelling, “This Is Bullshit!” That Followed When Hercules Realized That He Is Now Too House Poor to Afford a Vacation, Especially Now That He Discovered the Washing Machine Is Leaking
8. The Capture of Hercule’s Precious Lunch Hour by the Man-Eating HOA President Who Just Dropped by to Let Hercules Know That Even Though He Just Moved In, His Rhododendrons Are Already Too High, and He May Be Subject to a Non-Compliance Notice
9. The Taking Back of the Wrong Size Washing Machine Belt that Hercules Bought on Amazon and the Desperate Hiring of Hippolyta, a Contractor He Found on Angie’s List Who Turned Out to Be a Seven-Foot-Tall Female Journeyman Plumber
10. The Seizing Up of Hercules’s Lower Back from Going Too Hard with a Rented Stanley Steemer While He Was Trying to Get the Stains That Look Like a Stampede of Incontinent Cattle Ran Through the Living Room, All of Which Were Covered by Staging Furniture at the Open House, Out of His Carpets
11. The Retrieval of the Organic Golden Apples from Whole Foods Because Hercules Hasn’t Eaten Anything Except for DoorDash Taco Bell for a Week
12. The Fetching Up of Cerberus, Hercules’s Anxiety-Prone Labrador, from the Dog Sitters and Bringing Him Back to the New Home Where He Has Nervous Diarrhea All Over Hercules’s Newly Cleaned Carpet
After Hercules had completed these labors, he invited his half-brother/great-grandpa Perseus over to check out the new place. Perseus, as a housewarming offering, did bring over a scented candle from Bath and Body Works and then threw it out there that he’d be happy anytime to petrify the HOA president with the head of Medusa.
But then, because this is a Tragedy, Perseus also rudely pointed out that, even though finishing the Labors was quite a feat, Hercules hadn’t even started unpacking yet.
