After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours.
I realize that my late-’80s construction might not land me in the “trending” section right away, but I asked my friend Shelly—who hosts occasional RE/MAX open houses now that she’s accepted that her remaining doTerra stock will never sell—to vouch for me as “having a lot of character.” And let’s be real, even if I did have the personality of a McMansion, in this economy, lots of people would still put on brave smiles and call me “aspirational.”
Shelly was concerned for me at first: “Aren’t you worried about getting messages with intrusive questions?” But she met her husband at a Mumford & Sons concert in 2012, so she wasn’t around when we were fighting for our lives on the browser version of OkCupid. I had to explain to her that I’d already gotten every “Are those original?” and carpet-versus-drapes question via DM back when I was still on Match.com. Whatever people want to know, I can handle it.
More than anything, I’m looking forward to finally getting recognition for having good bones. I’ve maintained a steady intake of Vitamin D since the “Got Milk” days, and in my thirties, I’ve even learned how to use weight machines correctly. But do any of the gym-selfie finance bros think to swipe right to ask about that? Of course not. They’re all looking for a twenty-four-year-old with a super-low square footage and the same smooth beige walls. I’ve got texture, baby.
This new-platform move has brought with it relational questions I wasn’t asking myself in my twenties, like “Am I open to couples?” And my answer is yes, if I feel like they’ve got what it takes to take good care of me. Hell, I could even see myself being occupied by groups. I’ll be upfront about what I’m not zoned for, but otherwise? Tell me what you want to do inside of me, I’m listening.
Most of me is just thrilled at the thought of being fought over. For once in my life, I can let people come to me with pitches about why they think they’d be perfect for me, rather than messaging with matches who didn’t even bother to read my profile. I’m too old for “How was your weekend?” over and over again. I want a “How soon can I come check it out?” type of proactivity.
My only problems now will be keeping my showing schedule straight and deciding who gets to see my secret rooms.
Sure, I’ll do some basic manicuring to increase my curb appeal—maybe spray a nice scent—but that’s about it. I’m open to a bit of remodeling, but that needs to be on someone else’s budget. I’m putting myself up as-is to see whose interest it piques, and frankly, I’m not worried. Do you see how many of these listings get snatched up in a day with only one or two subpar photos?
All I know is, I’m never again going to accept an offer below asking.
