Tips for Trimming a Christmas Tree with Small Children

If your tree isn’t pre-lit, you might want to be.

Divide and conquer. One adult can dole out hot chocolate and cookies to keep the children occupied while the other adult unpacks the decorations that were crammed into boxes last February 23 without even a passing nod to organization.

If you are having a frustrating time untangling lights, you can lighten the mood by cursing festively in the style of the dad from A Christmas Story.

No matter how tempting, do not try to turn the fact that only half the lights aren’t working into a lesson on circuits unless you are 100 percent sure you know how circuits work.

The maximum amount of time you can spend searching for the C9 bulbs you bought on sale after Christmas last year and put god knows where is fifteen minutes. That’s how long it will take for the kids to eat the last of the cookies and begin wrapping the family pets in tinsel.

While your partner is busy unwrapping the dog, it’s the perfect moment to throw the creepy Santa ornament that came from their side of the family to the cat. If your partner notices, blame it on the children.

Need to distract the kids just a few more minutes to finish stringing the lights and tinsel? It’s time to bust out the candy canes.

Any adult attempting to open a candy cane without breaking it may increase their cursing rating up to PG-13.

It’s fine to let them sword fight with the sharpened tips of their candy canes as long as you performatively tell them to stop at least once.

If any adult suggests putting on Christmas music to make it more festive, the other adult is allowed to kick them in the shins.

When you finally begin to hang the ornaments, engage your children by regaling them with long stories about the fascinating family history behind each one. This is your moment to shine.

Don’t let them touch your most precious ornaments unless you want to see the miniature wreath your great-grandmother hand wove from the threads of her fraying housedress during the Great Depression clutched in the candy-cane-juice-covered fingers of a child who asked Santa for one hundred dollars’ worth of Robucks and has never known suffering.

If two children yell at each other because they both want to hang the pink reindeer, remind them there are plenty of ornaments for everyone to hang, and there is no need to fight over one. This won’t work, but go ahead and try it anyway. It’s tradition.

Any child or adult who steps on a hook is allowed to yell out any word whatsoever, no questions asked.

Be aware that the average child, despite their initial overwhelming excitement, can hang only approximately five ornaments before claiming that their arm is tired and that “you should finish.”

Don’t forget to hang up every homemade ornament your children have ever made because as rough as it is being a parent, those ornaments will be a lifelong reminder of the precious moments when your kids were young.

Once you get the kids in bed and have spent an hour cleaning up approximately 10,000 pine needles from your floor, don’t forget to take a moment to sit and relax and enjoy the beauty of your tree. It will probably get knocked over tomorrow, and you will have to redo the whole thing.