“WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN.” — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Instagram, 1/11/26
In service of our mission to Make America Healthy Again, we are taking decisive action to end our country’s most protracted, most expensive, and most unjust war: The War on Protein.
For years, policymakers following misguided research have aggressively shaped federal guidance, influenced consumer behavior, and imposed restrictions preventing school lunches from consisting entirely of heaping chunks of brisket. After extensive review of the “science,” this administration has decided instead to trust our gut, and our gut really likes a rare ribeye.
Therefore, effective immediately, this administration will begin a phased drawdown of all anti-protein measures.
“Experts” have made a fuss over the so-called links between high consumption of red meat and rates of heart disease, high blood pressure, and certain cancers. But to that I say, just take a look at my impressively thick neck. Even the idea that humans need all three macronutrient groups was recently debunked by a weightbuilder I follow on Snapchat.
We recognize that the War on Protein came at a grave cost: by hitting men especially hard. During the conflict, youngsters were discouraged from eating raw eggs, organ meat, and beached whales that, for generations, had produced the bulging biceps that had given boys’ lives so much meaning.
Thankfully, a pocket of resistance emerged, braving social ridicule to support ailing steakhouses, smuggle illegally sourced meat, and boldly resist the urge to add bean burgers to their summer barbecues.
Some may say that retreating from the War on Protein makes us look weak. Interminable war against abstract ideas is, after all, what makes us real Americans. Critics may be especially skeptical after learning that we are also ending the war on protein’s close ally, saturated fats. We get it—that’s a lot of war-ending. But today we can courageously admit that previous administrations were wrong. Besides, the American people need not fear, as we are replacing the War on Protein with a War for Protein.
And for good measure, we’ve also declared war against added sugar. Within days, the Secretary of War will direct the troops to gather all of the added sugar in America into one central location and nuke it into oblivion like it was a civilian fishing boat in the Caribbean.
Instead of letting scientists, doctors, and nutritionists dictate our food choices, we are putting our faith in modern forces for good—manosphere podcasters, TikTok influencers, and corporations that have already proven their commitment to public health by adding protein to foods like Cheerios, Doritos, and Starbucks coffee. We are turning the old food pyramid on its head, tottering on a point of red-blooded greatness.
We understand that it will take time for people to adjust to the new guidelines. Still, we can’t wait for Americans to feel the real benefits of protein loading—a clearer mind, fewer prescription medications, and the sweet metallic scent of spending decades in ketosis.
I look forward to the day when every American bathes in beef tallow, snorts testosterone, and is legally obligated to consume at least 250 mean, lean grams of animal flesh a day. Whether from mutton, salami, or bear cub, cow balls, blood sausage, or deviled ham—protein will no longer be treated as an enemy combatant, but instead welcomed with open arms into the ripped pectorals of our proud, healthy country.
