“More than 50 interviews with Democratic leaders revealed a party that is struggling to define what it stands for, what issues to prioritize, and how to confront a Trump administration that is carrying out a right-wing agenda with head-spinning speed.” — New York Times
In these terrifying times, the Democratic Party would like to assure you that there is nothing we hold more dear than democracy. Our nation’s core values are under attack, and standing up for what’s right takes bravery and courage. That’s why we, the Democrats, have decided to stay seated until we can figure out what to do.
We might take a stand at some point. A bold response isn’t completely off the table, but unfortunately, Elon Musk locked us out of the room with the table, and we haven’t been able to come to a consensus on which locksmith to call. Also, unfortunately, that’s the room with all of the Treasury Department’s payment information.
But we have not given up, and we will stand in this hallway and argue as long as necessary until we come up with a strategy. In the meantime, we have heard your demands for strong action. Some of you have called for a general strike to protest the Trump administration. We love that idea, with just a couple of minor tweaks. For example, what if, instead of a general strike, it was a national watch party of To Kill a Mockingbird?
Movie night aside, we recognize that our wavering response to Trump decimating the federal workforce is unsatisfactory. In our defense, we had absolutely no way of knowing that Trump was actually going to do all the things he said he would do, even though we told you throughout the election that democracy was on the line. In hindsight, we should have prepared more instead of just saying that to get votes.
But the past is the past. We promise to move forward and choose a strategy as soon as we figure out how to set up a projector in this hallway, because several of us have PowerPoints to share. We can’t agree on whether we should fight to uphold the rights of minorities, LGBTQIA people, women, immigrants, and the disabled OR exercise our constitutional right to sit with our eyes closed and our fingers in our ears while yelling, “LALALALA—CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
Speaking of the Constitution, we hear your criticism that we haven’t done anything about Trump letting Elon remove it from the National Archives and metaphorically (fingers crossed) blast that hallowed document into space on one of his exploding rockets. Look, we want to do the right thing about that and about all the other issues, but we just can’t agree on how. We’re organizing a rock, paper, scissors tournament as we speak, but that takes time.
Maybe you could help us? What should we do? Hold a hard line and vote unanimously against Trump’s cabinet picks? Throw lawsuits at every breach of the Constitution? Tell Elon that he won an award for creating the funniest meme to lure him into Conference Room A at the Treasury Department and then barricade him in there?
These are all great ideas, and we are definitely adding them to the list of possibilities for us to bicker about. But listen, closer to the midterms, we’re definitely going to do something.
Or not.
