We Will Build a Big Arch for Your City

At Emers & Totch architectural firm, we specialize in arches. Not just any arches, but big arches. Monument arches. Think of the Gateway Arch: that kind of arch. No, we did not build the Gateway Arch, but that is the kind of arch we’re talking about. And we want to build an arch for your city, just like St. Louis has the Gateway Arch.

Who says only one city in the country can have an arch as part of its skyline? There’s no rule about that. Why can’t your city have a big arch too? What we’re saying is: it can.

What’s in your skyline now? Three tall buildings and a bridge? You need an arch. What’s your waterfront promenade missing? An arch. What’s towering over your convention center, nothing? It should be an arch. Your small to midsize all-American city deserves a striking skyline just as much as St. Louis does.

You see, we hate St. Louis. We don’t want it to have unique things, like a big arch that is its signature structure. So, we want to build arches all over the country so that no one can say that St. Louis has a special arch. If arches become as common as tall buildings with spires or suspension bridges, then no one will go to St. Louis to see their dumb arch, because people will have a pretty good arch right in their own city or somewhere nearby.

We know what you’re thinking: “We’re all in with you on screwing over St. Louis! But what significance would having an arch mean for my city?” You’re in luck: We’ll help you come up with a backstory for your new, beautiful arch. Like maybe your arch is about how it connects people, like a bridge, but a bridge that goes up high at an intense gradient. Or it represents the hills in your city because it’s also like a hill (if your city is ever referred to as “land of hills,” this would be perfect for you). Really, you don’t even need a good story: the Gateway Arch itself symbolizes the western expansion of the US, which is so broad that it doesn’t even matter. You can tell that they just had to come up with something so they could have an arch.

By the way, these arches? So easy to build. So easy. You don’t even have to make them going up—we just build a big oval laying down, then cut it in half. Voila, two arches! After we throw away one of the arches, we take the other one to the spot you picked out, and we pop it right up, giving you a new attraction in your town.

Your arch is going to be great for the local economy. Talk about jobs—arch jobs will be big status symbols in your town. You’ll need people to clean the arch. You’ll need ticket sellers for the arch. You’ll need tour guides to point out the arch to people. And you’ve got to guard the arch: People are going to want to climb the arch and slip down it like a slide. And daredevils are going to want to jump the arch. But that just means that your arch has become iconic.

Maybe some people will pray to your arch and worship it like it’s some kind of God. You don’t see anyone doing that to the St. Louis arch. You know how pissed St. Louis would be if your arch became a deity, but theirs was just a monument to vague history? Let’s make it happen.

The St. Louis arch, by the way? That thing’s gonna fall over. It’s only a matter of time. What’s holding it up? Nothing. Sounds dangerous, right? Our arches, however, are propped up by six to ten long poles, and whenever possible, we lean the arch against your city’s tallest building. No way it’s going to tip over.

Does an arch not sound like the right structure for your city? We’ve got space needles too. If a space needle can make a backwoods lumberyard like Seattle seem futuristic, it can do the same for your city. We’re also pretty confident we could build you a mountain. We haven’t done it yet, but all we really need are lots of rocks and dirt, and presto: You’ve got a mountain in your skyline. Suck on that, Denver!

We do not do Ferris wheels, though. Ferris wheels are the St. Louis of skylines. A big circle in your skyline does not carry the gravitas of a big arch. We also don’t know how they work: every Ferris wheel we’ve built has rolled away, never to be found. We’ve only ever had one arch roll away, and it didn’t get very far.

So let’s get you and your city that arch you’ve always deserved, with Emers & Totch, the only arch-builders you can trust. Your city was given hundreds of millions of dollars in infrastructure money from the Biden administration, and an arch is the best way to spend it.