“…all of our actions are maximally transparent. I don’t know of a case where an organization has been more transparent than the Doge organization.” — Elon Musk, in a statement from the Oval Office
“In reality, Mr. Musk’s team is operating in deep secrecy… his financial disclosure filing will not be made public.” — New York Times
Here at the Department of Government Efficiency, we’ve been accused of operating in the dark—surprising agencies, creating turmoil, gaining access to classified information, and providing very little detail about all of it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re all about transparency. For instance, we [REDACTED], which is why we stopped funding cancer research. See? Everything is out in the open. Here’s a few more for you:
Late last night, we broke into [REDACTED], and now all your Social Security money is invested in [REDACTED]. You’re welcome.
Today, our team agreed that [REDACTED], which led to our decision to end Medicare and Medicaid. Makes perfect sense now, right?
The [REDACTED] branch has been folded into the [REDACTED] branch, so now the country is run entirely by the [REDACTED] branch. It’s simpler that way.
We met with [REDACTED] who told us [REDACTED] and that’s why we’re going to invade [REDACTED]. Good luck, you’re all [REDACTED].
Even with this amount of transparency, many have asked to see our financial disclosures. Understandable. Here’s the deal: We make [REDACTED] every time we close a government agency, and I personally take home [REDACTED], which is only such a large number because I don’t pay [REDACTED], which you can get away with if you know the right loopholes. However, the real way this all benefits me is I can ensure certain large government contracts to [REDACTED] don’t stop, even as I gut the rest. Clear enough?
You want to know details about my staff? You want to know what makes unelected twenty-somethings qualified to take over your government? They’re open books. They all technically work for [REDACTED] and are paid by [REDACTED]. Many of them believe that [REDACTED], which is even a little extreme for me, but I’m learning a lot from them.
Look: I’m not going to pretend like we won’t make mistakes. We all make mistakes, right, [REDACTED]? But the one mistake we won’t make is keeping secrets from you, like how we [REDACTED] your [REDACTED], so you’ll need to [REDACTED] if you don’t want polio. And that’s a promise.
This is a brave new world, folks. You might feel overwhelmed at first by how open and transparent this administration is going to be. That’s all right. Rest assured, we will continue to [REDACTED] and replace all of your [REDACTED] with [REDACTED]. That way, you’ll never have to ask us another question ever again.
Sincerely,
[REDACTED]
