What Your Twelve-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Says About Your Recent Divorce

Your Wife Never Truly Loved Halloween

She claims she used to be in love with All Hallow’s Eve and that she spent years trying to work things out with the spooky season. But it’s become abundantly clear that she is a liar. Your wife never loved Halloween. And you know what? GOOD. Halloween doesn’t need her anyway. Halloween’s got candy corn, Freddy Krueger, and peeled grapes that feel like eyeballs. And someday, I’m sure Halloween will find someone who loves it for the holiday it truly is, not the idealized holiday she wishes Halloween was.

The Skeleton Wasn’t Really the “Last Straw”

She says the divorce isn’t because of the skeleton; the skeleton is just the latest example of your selfish and irresponsible behavior, and she’s fed up trying to raise her children and an immature man-child husband. But nah, it’s definitely because of the skeleton. If you ask me, she’s probably just jealous that you have a cool giant skeleton. Also, she’s the immature one. And she’s stupid.

Your Wife Has Already Moved on to Christmas

It’s still October, and your wife, like some promiscuous, two-timing Target seasonal section, is already putting away the Halloween decorations and getting the Christmas crap out of the attic. Apparently, she’s telling her friends she’s so much happier with Christmas, because Santa’s got a job and actually gives a damn about kids. Plus, Santa doesn’t spend every night getting plastered in the basement watching Hammer horror movies. Well, good riddance.

Twelve-Foot Decorative Skeletons
Pair Well with Scotch and Puddle of Mudd

Yeah, you’ve been drinking. So what? Who says you’re not allowed to unwind and blast Puddle of Mudd’s 2001 post-grunge masterpiece Come Clean on your own front lawn? By the way, you know who never gets on your case about having a drink and enjoying some POM? Your skeleton. The skeleton truly gets you in a way she never did.

This Skeleton’s Not Going Anywhere

Oh, you thought once All Saints Day rolls around, this twelve-foot skeleton would just be packed away and out of your life forever? Fat chance, babe. You can hire all the divorce lawyers and file all the restraining orders you want, but this skeleton isn’t going anywhere. Thanksgiving? The skeleton’s putting on an oversized pilgrim hat and holding some giant foam maize. Oh, and Valentine’s Day? A big ol’ diaper and bow and arrow. World AIDS Day? Okay, maybe not that one. But my point is you can’t cut this novelty skeleton out of your life so easily. Big Bonesy is staying RIGHT HERE.

There Are Plenty of Halloween Decorations in the Sea

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, actually. After fifteen long years of you and your wife putting out the same old, tired decorations every single October, things have gotten very stale. You tried to liven things up in the past by introducing a few inflatables into your marriage, but even then, the passion for Halloween was long gone. But let’s not dwell on that. It’s time to breathe some new life into this long-dead haunted house. It’s time to start playing the field.

Maybe you’ll start cruising the local Spirit Halloween stores and pick up a random little animatronic spider for a quick roll in the hay. Or you could get really freaky and meet some fellow Halloween enthusiasts at a motel for an anonymous decorations swap. The world is your spooky oyster, my friend.