Season’s Greetings from the Mortons!
We know many of you look forward to opening your mailbox each December to receive the Morton annual Christmas card and extensive family newsletter. It brings us no good tidings to let you know that we’ve made the difficult decision to paywall it.
As the years have gone by, the letter has grown in scope. When we sent the first Christmas newsletter, we were just a two-person operation in a small home in Middlebury. Now we have to cover nine busy family members across four states. And sometimes Jessica has a boyfriend. It’s a big operation, and Clare had to learn Microsoft XL or whatever it’s called.
Everybody on our list will receive the Morton Christmas Card featuring a candid photo of us down by the lake, wearing matching outfits. And while we love everyone who receives our card, those who subscribe and support our family’s essential end-of-year work will get even more of our love.
Join the Morton Friend Tier for $17.00 to receive:
- Three full pages of updates on the entire Morton clan: Clare (??) and Mark (68); Rachel (39), her husband Greg, their sons Declan (6) & Branson (4); Henry (36), his husband Ian, and their daughter Streisand (1); and Jessica (31)
- A recap of our disastrous trip to the world’s most boring hole (the Grand Canyon)
- An update on the feud with the neighbor we hate, who parks his F-150 on our lawn
- Asides like the day Clare thought she saw Beyoncé at Safeway
- In-depth detail about Mark’s toe fungus
This newsletter isn’t just some free social media post. We start working as early as September. It takes days to write and weeks to edit down from its sixty-page first draft. Each Morton family member plays a valuable role in its production, from fact-checking to updating the printer firmware to making tough editorial decisions, like telling me that I “mention Pete Buttigieg should be president” a “weird amount.”
Support our hours of work and upgrade to the Morton Family Tier for $26.00 to receive:
- The newsletter printed on one of the few remaining pieces of gingerbread border marble printer paper that Clare hoarded when she found it at Staples in 1995
- The grand reveal of who actually writes the newsletter (hint: It’s not really the dog)
- One of Clare’s annual homemade ornaments
- An apology for how last year’s candlestick ornament looked like a big glittery penis
- Access to the Morton Family Games app with crossword puzzles, spelling games, and more
Complimentary subscriptions will be given to families who always send us boxes of Harry & David pears and families who have good-looking sons around Jessica’s age.
From all of us Mortons, we wish you and your family a joyful, peaceful, and blessed holiday season. And don’t expect any freebies on Valentine’s Day either.
