I’m obviously acting the same as I’ve always acted, and nothing about me has changed.
I FEEL FINE WEARING A HENLEY, SO THERE IS NO NEED TO LOOK AT ME.
I’m confident enough to wear it. I just have to feel confident, and I’ll be confident. Does my right shoulder seem lower than my left shoulder, like medically?
I’m in the vegetable aisle, and everyone can tell I’m taking way too long to make up my mind about what salad stuff to get. All of the terrible things going on in the world today, and all these people can do is undermine me? Wow.
Oh, fucking WORLD NEWS ALERT, EVERYONE: the guy in the oatmeal Henley is taking way longer than usual to make up his mind! And he looks like the kind of guy who usually just wears a black T-shirt. He looks like he’s been wearing black T-shirts for the last twenty-one years, everybody! Oh, everybody look! Everyone, look at him! Don’t pay attention to anything else happening in the world, just this guy!
I should’ve worn the black Henley, but when I put it on, I looked like a magician in 1993.
Do people think I’m trying to be fancy in this thing? The site I bought it from said it’s casual. The site basically said, “A fucking casual classic with a bunch of updated shit like four-button placket and confident raw edges, wear it instead of the bullshit you’ve been wearing for twenty-one years.”
Do I look like an oatmeal-colored Henley guy, man, or whatever? Just fucking tell me.
I know what everyone in here is thinking: “Get a load of fucking Henley over here, trying to figure out if he wants to put two ridiculously expensive sodas in his cart because he knows every good thing he has can disappear in a flash in this life…”
Am I supposed to wear a necklace with it? Oh, man, I don’t think I can. I can’t.
Jesus. Get some nuts. Like mixed nuts to go with these two expensive sodas, but also, like, get some nuts. You’re this person now. You’ve earned it.
Just BE HIM, and nobody will ask if you ARE HIM.
I’m going home,
I’m going home,
I’m going home.
I’m ditching my cart.
Ditch it, leave it,
You can’t do this.
Fine, fuck, I’m going back to my cart. It just looks like I went to look for something and left my cart here, and now I’m back.
Why did my girlfriend say to get two Henleys?
CHRIST. BE A MAN. AT LEAST FOR HER, IF NOT YOURSELF.
I will die one day. I’ve accepted that. I HAVE! ACCEPTED IT!
I’m fine, I’m calm.
How many buttons do you undo? Like one? Fuck it, I’m undoing one. Two?
I think I’ll always just call it a shirt. Be casual about it, that’s key.
Why’s the cashier looking at me like that?
